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Rating the Floors of Miranda Lambert’s Casa Rosa

Howdy Howdy friends of the interweb,

If you’ve been keeping up with my adventures, you probably remember I was in Nashville just a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to share some insights of the newest and coolest place in Nashville (in my opinion anyway), Miranda Lambert’s Casa Rosa. If you’re also someone who has a secret love for country music, this post just might be your cup of tea.

I have a deep love for Miranda Lamberts music steaming back to my early middle school days. So, accidentally stumbling across this new gem of a place she opened in Nashville, The Casa Rosa, was pure luck. (I guess at this point in my life I’m supposed to accept nothing is an accident anymore haha.) Any who, I feel inspired to leave a review detailing & rating the different floors of this Tex-Mex + Cantina incase any of you are looking for some new travel spots.

Ground Level/Entrance

The pink neon entrance signifies the first female country artist owned bar + restaurant on Broadway. Walking past the red rope and through the doors will lead you to a small space, holding a dark bar on the left, with a merch shop to your right (where you can find all the goodies). Walking forward leads you to a small live music set up and branching off to the right, a stunning staircase leading you to the upper floors.

We found it was a solid place to vibe and hangout while we waited to be seated for dinner. Overall it served as a small taste of what the rest of the floors had to offer.

Rating: 6/10

A peak at the first floor

Level Two (restaurant)

Iconic photo wall
Veggie Tacos!

At the top of the staircase you’ll find a yellow rose photo wall on the right, which I theorize will become the new iconic Nashville instagram photo. Turning left leads you to a full restaurant and bar. The pink booths and display items make you feel like you’re somewhere in Texas, setting the mood for your dinner options. A full tex-mex menu welcomes you, I opted for the veggies tacos, & they were delicious if I might add.

A great place to eat before a night out or a pit-stop before hitting the upper levels.

Rating 8/10

Level 3: (dance floor + more)

Past the future iconic photo wall there’s a small staircase, with a cowgirl Miranda themed mural that leads you to the third (& my favorite) floor. The Miranda Lambert Live neon sign houses the multi level dance floor below. A great place to dance and hang out.

Leading off to the side of the dance floor houses a small terrance area, giving you a gorgeous view of the city and a place to get a breath of fresh air. Back inside and in front of the dance floor houses another bar area for all of your dance encouragement needs.

This was my favorite floor and where I personally had the most fun. Possibly being because it was my first club like experience post-lockdown.

Rating: 10/10

Level 4: (overlook + private lounge)

A small staircase leads you up to the fourth and final floor. Which houses a small bar and a nice overlook of the dance floor (which also serves as a live stage when people perform). Past the bar looked to be a roped off vip lounge, filled with pretty booths and dark neon vibes.

A nice place to take a break from people and vibe. Vibing is also a favorite hobby of mine haha.

Rating: 7/10


Regardless if you love country music or are just visiting Nashville, I highly recommend checking this out. It’s good food, good music, and a heck of a good vibe. It also radiates feminine energy which I feel like is often lacking in downtown Nashville. If you want to check it out sometime, I’ll leave the link to the website: you can check it out by clicking here.

I hope you guys found this new topic fun and feel inspired to try new things!

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The nature of self-study

Greetings friends of the inter-web.

Even though I’ve been giving you a glimpses of what I’ve been up to, I haven’t quite given you a life update recently. I’ve been so caught up with sharing information and working on building the foundation for a virtual yoga community that I haven’t spent time to reflect. If you’re new here, insightful rambles to strangers on the internet is how I practice self-study (svadhyaya in sanskrit) and one of the Niyamas in the 8 limb practice of yoga. It’s something I started doing towards the end last year and it has just sort of stuck. I also feel like a lot of what I share can help someone else who may be going through similar things, so no harm there.

Obviously I’ve been traveling around for the past few weeks. I got to visit some new places and some old, all in all, it felt like such a healing trip. Something new in my travel experiences, but we welcome the new. The past few months have been months of complete transformation and frustration. I don’t think I’ve ever handled so many “set backs” and “wrong turns” so well. I’m always surprised with myself when I handled hard stuff well. Not even just handling it well, but being able to see how they weren’t even set backs or wrong turns, but true knowledge gained to lead me to where I’m supposed to go. That really is thriving, I think.

I’ve recently been reflecting a lot on my life and the past versions of me. I’m pretty amazed at how far I’ve come. Not because I’ve mastered any one thing or accomplished something tangible, but because I’ve learned so much about myself and the world. I used to eagerly travel to sights and places that I dreamed of visiting in hopes that having the experience would change something for me, which it did. It would press pause on my “real life” and give me opportunity to explore the present moment and carry a new perspective back with me. It has also taught me, little by little, that patterns keep repeating themselves, no matter where you go, until you learn your lesson. AKA you can’t outrun anything. I think the most important thing I’ve learned through all of it is that you’re supposed to trust yourself more than anyone else. It almost feels like a challenge to trust yourself and what is right for you, when everyone around you is telling you something different.

The thing I’ve come to learn the most about is that you can’t grow into a bigger person when you’re staying in an environment you’ve outgrown. You may think you haven’t outgrown it, but the universe always has a way of making sure you know. Usually by forcing you to detach. Maybe that falling out you had with a friend group was meant to happen. Maybe quitting that job or getting fired wasn’t a bad career move, but just not the career for you. The idea that everything happens for a reason is as true as we let it be. The more you explore about yourself and the world, the more you uncover your true self and grow into who you’re meant to be. Even if we love our jobs or people, their energy and opinions can hold us back. I think sometimes when we’re unwilling to let them go so we can grow, the universe does it for us.

When I was 19 I was dating someone I thought I would marry. Someone who didn’t want to travel or move and wasn’t really for my adventure seeking lifestyle (or even healthy for me). It may have been a short lived relationship, but in that short time it held me back. The year before I graduated college and moved across the country for graduate school was the year I knew that that relationship wouldn’t last. I also knew that ending things would be hard and would break my heart. I was right. However, it was the best decision and realization I could have ever made for myself. Heck I would have never seen the world, learned what I’ve learned, or had the incredible experiences that I have had.

I would’ve stayed stuck in a place that wouldn’t allow me to grow, causing way more damage than a first heartbreak.

Knowing yourself well enough to know what you don’t want anymore is such a good thing. To recognize that you’re always growing and sometimes that means that the people you love can’t come with you, that’s powerful. It doesn’t make either side bad. Sometimes the universes forces bad fights and falling outs because the attachments are so strong, it’s the only way to ensure you’ll let go and find new growth.

Life is one long weird journey. The most consistent thing I learn about is who I don’t want to be and what I don’t want in my life. From realizing my own bad habits and letting them go or to having other people show strong examples of what I don’t want. Everything in life is a journey and if you’re willing to grow, learn, and unlearn, the universe has a lifetime of knowledge and adventure waiting for you.

I hope my rambling made sense to others. Your main takeaway here is to not let the opinions of others define you. You know who you are more than anyone else. Take time for yourself, get to know yourself. I’ve gotten to know myself through traveling the world alone and yoga, but it’s different for everyone.

It doesn’t matter how you do it, but learning more about who you are, why you want the things you do, and truly looking within – it’s the most important thing you can do in this life.

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Changes

Greeting my friends of the internet,

Happy May! Long time, no talk. Maybe you’re wondering why I haven’t posted in almost two weeks or maybe this is your first time to my blog. Either way you’re going to get an explanation. First, I’d like to acknowledge that May is Mental Health and Borderline Personality Disorder awareness month. Which means, I am going to try to post more content specific to those two areas this month. I’m ready to end the stigma around mental health and I hope you are too. Anywho, where have I been? There has been a lot of changes going on in my life. And a lot of emotional reactions to those changes. 2020 was my year of gratitude….. and 5 months into this new year and it feels like the year I have to confront all of my demons and make big life changes. Which feels a little bit scary if I’m being honest, but also empowering.

In my personal life I keep wondering why relationships that mean so much to me keep going sideways. Why there is this big disconnect between me and the people I value the most. It’s easy to say it’s because of me and my brain or others views on my brain being projected, but taking a closer look it’s way more than that. I think sometimes bad things and miscommunication has to happen for real change to take place for the better.

The past few months my mental health has spiraled down to the worst it’s been in over a year. Ups and downs like crazy. Everything feels like a trigger. Realizations from past traumas. All the yoga and my emotions are still hard to cope with. I guess that’s why they say to keep your yoga practices consistent. Surprisingly though, I am handling it better than I have in the past. It doesn’t feel like that though. Somedays it feels like there is no point to keep going if I am always going to have a brain that is okay for awhile and then isn’t. Somedays I feel empowered to talk about it, to educate people I love about how to help, but people have to want to be educated about it. That’s a hard one. I’m also learning that you can’t scream what you need at people and expect them to listen, they have to want to listen and help. I’m learning. It’s challenging though because when you’ve lived in a sate of needing help and not getting it your entire life, screaming feels like what you have to do. Again, learning.

What feels like this never ending spiral has made me feel more in control than I thought I could be. Even those some close to me might have the opposite to say. I mean, they weren’t there at my rock bottom though. Having a year of pretty decent mental health and spending time around mentally healthy people made me realize what it’s like to feel okay. This spiral reminds me what it’s like to not feel okay. The journey and balance to being okay is hard. I forget there are people who have never had a year of decent mental health and have been living in a constant crisis like I was a few years ago. Just stuck there.

Change. Change is what gets us out of those dark places, the thing that gets us unstuck. Fear is what keeps us there. I’m not saying those in dark places aren’t fearful of where they are. I’m saying that you can get used to being in a dark or low place, to the point it’s almost comforting. Comforting because you know what to expect. You know how you’re going to react, etc. Fearful because what if change makes it worse or maybe because you’ve spent your entire life in a low place, you have no idea what a better one looks like.

Change can be scary. Change can be hard. Change can be empowering. It’s also beautiful and fun. I am trying to view it as an adventure. Like how I view changes of scenery when I move or travel. An adventure in which I can at least let go of all of the bad I have been carrying and find something new. Something different.

The biggest change I’ve started is offering virtual yoga classes on here from my bedroom. I know how much yoga helps for everyone. I know how scary it can be to get out of your comfort zone and get to a class. Which is why I have pre-recorded classes listed every week. Teaching it also helps me, it helps me figure out how to turn my own garbage off in my brain (just like practicing yoga) so I can try to actually help others. So if you’re interested in that, don’t be shy to check it out or ask me questions about it.

Wrapping it up now……let’s all change. For the better. Social support is one of the biggest predictors in those with trauma or mental health issues living a healthy life, so feel free to leave comments about anything that comes up for you in a post. There’s no such thing as too much, especially when you’re being honest. I want to change the stigma and stereotypes around mental health and bpd. I want to change this idea that we have to be mentally healthy and emotionally stable to practice and teach yoga. Yoga was designed to control the mind not to be flexible.

Thank you for reading this and I hope you were able to take something about from it. I hope you have an amazing week, friends.

Remember, change isn’t bad.

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Yoga & creating good things

Greeting creatures of the internet,

lately I’ve been spending a lot of my mental energy on where I’ve been, where I’m at, and where I’m going. I think for all of us, over the last year, our worlds have been turned upside down in some way. We’ve been forced to either sulk in it or find and create the good. For me, 2020 felt like my world got turned right side up in a lot of ways. Maybe I got too attached to that happening though, because these past few months I feel as if all the good I found is slipping away. I feel like I’m at that cross-roads of sulking in it or finding and creating the good in my own life experiences right now.

No one ever talks about how hard finding the good is sometimes. How sure, when one door closes another opens, but searching for that other door is the real hurdle. I feel like I’ve spent some heavy time searching lately. Searching to find some more good things in my life and in the world. I keep getting caught up on feeling like everything is just kind of grey in the world right now. That there are so many toxic cycles in the world that we keep trying to break, but they’re just not getting broken. I know focusing on that isn’t healthy and just keeps me stuck, but it’s hard stuff.

I refuse to let this feeling and “cross-roads” break my spirit though. Feeling as if doors are constantly closing is common in my life. It’s so easy for me to get caught up and stay hurt about it. I’m kind of tired of that. Searching. If I can’t find the good in things, I’ll just start doing my best to create good things for myself. If all we keep seeing and finding in life is bad or not for us maybe that’s a sign for us to create it. To be the authentically good intentioned people and do the good intentional things in the world or for ourselves or in our own little pocket of the universe. If everything else is bad why can’t we be good? Well human nature, I guess. But also, there just has to be better ways than how everything is being done in the world and in our personal lives. There are so many different toxic patterns on macro and micro levels that can’t seem to be broken, there just has to be a way out of it.

Maybe I’m turning my small scale life problems into global problems at this point. Kidding. I’m saying that I don’t think I have to keep waiting for the right situations to line up for me perfectly for me before I can start doing everything I want. And you don’t either. Dreams and “goals” are just ideas until you take action. Read that again. I know, the right action always seems to be the hardest part.

Me taking action to create my own good in my life and in my little pocket of the virtual world is going to be offering virtual yoga classes and teachings. Spending time practicing and studying yoga has been one of the best things that has happened for my brain and life. That shouldn’t have to stop just because my teacher training program is over. Or If I really want to stay a human that travels around the world forever. It shouldn’t only be limited to the humans physically around me, but my virtual community of like minded people, who I think yoga could be really beneficial for.

That’s it, that’s my big announcement and my insightful thoughts behind it. I am still in the works of setting it all up and figuring out the ropes of offering online yoga classes and teachings. I’m excited about it and cannot wait to share my yoga knowledge with new people and all of you. My “release date” for sales and classes is next Wednesday, April 21st! So if you’re interested in yoga, keep an eye out for that! It’ll be super fun and I am so excited!

If you don’t already (& if you want too) follow me on instagram @therecklessnomad – updates and more yoga and mental health things.

How excited are you?!

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Mental Illness isn’t a bad term

Hi friends,

I hope you’re taking care of yourself and doing your best. Todays a weird day for me, but I really want to talk about why, because I think it’s important for more than just me. I’ll go ahead and give a TW, the warning being I am going to mention a suicide attempt. Today is my two year “anniversary” of my last attempt and I feel compelled to do some insightful venting about how mental health is treated and why it isn’t okay.

I always feel like there is an awful stigma around talking about our mental health struggles. People get uncomfortable and start throwing out reasons why our mental health struggle is toxic to everyone else. No one wants deal with it or doesn’t know what to say. News Flash, we’re human begins who have an array of emotions. We don’t get to just have “good vibes” all the time and thinking that is such a toxic mindset. Yes, I think the “good vibes” philosophy is a toxic mindset to have in yoga as well. That’s not what having a human brain is like, we have to accept the whole experience of it. Especially if we want real change and “enlightenment”.

If you’re someone who demonizes or adds to the stigma of mental health issues, what does that say about you? Because it says a lot more about you than the ones you’re trying to demonize. We are living in such a challenging period. There is a global pandemic, we’re killing the earth, there are loads of ancestral trauma stored in our DNA, cops kill people, racisim/classism/sexism all exist, the good guy never wins, capitalism is ruining everything…..not to mention we’ve never in human history had technology and information like we do today – it is ALL effecting how our human brains work. No wonder all of us younger generations are “mentally ill”. I feel like if you’re mentally healthy with knowing all of the issues in our world, I think you’re the odd one. actually.

Anywho, my point is, mental health struggles are actually kind of normal. A lot of us struggle with them. Stigmatizing and demonizing them is just going to cause harm. And if you’re someone who believes in practicing Ahimsa (non-harming), pay attention to how you view those around you who are struggling. Mental health issues doesn’t make someone toxic or bad. The more we tie all of our struggles up and don’t share them, the more alone we feel. Not just individually, but collectively. And I am trying to tear those walls down. Which is why I share so openly about my struggles, because I know there is someone out there who just needs to know they aren’t alone in how they feel. I am also a firm believer that the more we can talk about it without judgment and stigma, the more we can find true solutions and healing. Maybe my experiences helps someone else make their own connects and find a different solution for their brain or life. You can’t heal if you keep getting beaten and told you’re bad because of your brain every time you try to explain it. You’re not bad. You’re a gentle soul living in a broken world.

I know based on the increase in suicides among the circle of people I know and keep up with that there are a lot of us humans struggling bad right now. That’s why I wanted to share this. Because I’ve been there, I’ve been there more than once. You aren’t alone and you aren’t bad or selfish for having big emotions. You aren’t a failure if you got good at managing those big emotions for a while, but they got hard to manage again. Healing isn’t linear and the idea of always being able to function in a truly chaotic and toxic world is just a little silly. You’re not bad because someone you loved and trusted has demonized you because they don’t understand your brain. Mental health professionals don’t always understand either, which is truly sad. But It doesn’t have to be the end of the world, maybe all the overly sensitives of the world should just start creating a better world. Be the example of radical love and kindness. And if you’re someone who isn’t struggling or truly doesn’t know what it’s like or are in denial that your mental health is struggling, just be freaking kind. Listen. Hold space. And.stop.judging.people. You don’t get to be a better human because you brain doesn’t bully you. None of us are better, we’re all just humans.

The best advice I can give to you if you’re struggling is to treat yourself like you are your best friend. Think about someone you love, how would you help them if you knew they were struggling like you? Chances are you’d be a lot nicer than you’re being to yourself. Also, remember your opinion is truly the only one that matters. And as cheesy as it sounds, be the change you want to see in the world. Listen when no one else does. Advocate for yourself. Give love to those who are feeling left out in the cold. Cheer on your people. Be patient with those who are struggling to get it. Live your life believing you are creating good and maybe, just maybe there is hope for all these systems of inequality and injustice in the world to start to crumble.

Take care of yourself and know you’re not alone.

We all struggle.

You got this.

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Creating a Playlist for your mental health

Hello my friends of the internet,

I hope everyone’s week is going as best as it can. I know we’ve all been collectively struggling lately, but we’ll get there. I know I’ve been having “one of those days” for what feels like weeks on end now. You want to know what is getting me through it? music. I’m sure a lot of us can relate to music helping us. For me the expression of what I’m feeling being put into music helps me to not feel so alone. So thankful for the artists who are willing to turn those vulnerable feelings into something creative for us. Feeling inspired by this and other mental health bloggers discussion on music helping them, I wanted to give some tips related to music therapy.

Music therapy is a broad term, I know. Music can help in so many ways and is a big part of the human experience. I want to specifically discuss and give advice on creating a playlist that is geared towards flipping your mood around to something more positive. AKA, not getting stuck in a crappy feeling. It’s something I learned from a music therapist in a PHP (partial hospitalization program) a few years ago and it has helped me a lot. Although I am not a music therapist, I feel like the advice is important for others to know and have. 

Essentially, the idea is to start listening to music based on how you’re feeling (angry, sad, etc.), but only for a song or two and then slowly progress to more “upbeat” songs so you don’t get stuck in that low feeling space. And Y’ALL, being someone who believes that everything has energy and effects our energy, this makes so much sense.

I am going to break down the process I use and give my own examples below. However, given the time it takes for me to break down and explain my tips, I am keeping them in my premium subscribers section (hidden gems) so subscribe to learn the process and get examples below. (:

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Where do you go?

Where do you go when your mind goes dark?

When your heart sinks into your stomach

and your skin tingles of betrayl.

When trust slips through your fingers and paranoia kicks in.

When your thoughts turn and turn unill they spin into demons.

When you stat dissasociating and your soul leaves your body

traveling to a relm so far that you’re not even sure your body exists.

Do you take cold showers?

Or turn the music up so lound it rattles you to the bone.

Do you run?

Or runaway, so far away thinking you can outrun your own pain?

Maybe you rumage through old photos late at night

reminding yourself that there are better days.

Do you reach out to say “hey I’m not okay”

only to be met with the weeping cry that it’s all in your own mind.

Your friends have been here with you before

pushing you along, reminding you it’s not your fault.

But you still wait for them to leave

to get tired of you

because it’s ingrained in your brain that you’re too much for others to bear

that your emotions aren’t honest

manpulative at best

to the point that you don’t even trust yourself.

You keep reminding yourself that the stereotypes aren’t real

It’s just a game

but you’re a bad contestant

and life isn’t fair.

There are children without running water

it doesn’t feel right that my hearts in despair

for reasons I don’t know

explanations I can’t give

only triggers that bring me there.

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Emotional Manipulation and bpd

Welcome humans of the internet,

It’s your girl here, back with some more insightful venting. I’ve been trying to reconcile with my brain through yoga over the past year. Not just through the physical practice, but reading the books and sitting in meditation. Not just trying to fix my brain, but trying to figure out why it works the way it does too. svadhyaya (self-study), I guess that is a part of yoga too. There is a huge part of me that deeply wants to know how to fix my brain and emotions, because western and modern doctors aren’t really doing it. As I try to dive into that, I keep pondering with different theories and ideas about why my brain is the way it is. The most recent pondering is on emotional manipulation and bpd.

Anyone who has any interest or knowledge in mental health has probably heard it before “people with bpd (borderline personality disorder) are crazy and emotionally manipulative”. Of course, being a human with bpd, I don’t want to think that’s the case. In fact, even from an outside perspective and from more of soul space, I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s misunderstanding. Sure, our emotional reactions are out of hand sometimes and not acceptable……a tad bit dramatic at times if you will, but they’re not intentional. At least I don’t think. Hear me out.

Like any human who is highly sensitivity (even those without bpd), emotions are hard because you feel them much more deeply. Someone else’s story may move you to tears, because you can feel their struggle and pain. A rude comment may cause you to have a bad day because you felt that persons energy too deeply. Of course, with time and different tools you may learn how to turn that off or how to not let that effect you. However, with bpd it’s a little more intense with that.

We feel everything too deeply. The good and the bad. Both sometimes challenging. It’s often hard to know where the painful emotions are coming from, if it is ours or if it is someone else’s. Not knowing how to respond to what we’re feeling. Making how to get rid of it a little more challenging. It also makes learning skills and tools to help deal with those intense emotions more challenging as well. Because we’re living life, we can’t just stop feeling things for an extended period of time to learn all the skills to cope with our feelings. It’s almost like no matter what we try we don’t know what to do with our emotions, so we avoid them at every cost. Or avoid the bad and overcompensate for the bad by trying to force the “good” emotions. Giving love out so freely until we get hurt when no one gives it back.

However, our emotions are unavoidable, so when we feel them it’s intense. We often panic because our emotional cup is spilling over and we don’t know how to clean it up safely. Often spilling it out onto people around us. Making us seem overly emotional, because we can’t keep it in. That’s often who leads us to looking crazy and manipulative, like we’re just seeking attention to get what we want.

The truth is we don’t really understand what is happening. We (or I guess I can only speak for me and my brain and what I’ve seen with my friends) don’t know why we’re having the strong emotions. We want help at figuring out why and how to fix it. However, the strong and intense emotions make people weary of us and not want to help. Often our own attempts to fix things, leads people we love to leave. It breaks our trust and puts us in this cycle of helplessness. Making us believe we are just over dramatic people seeking attention. We’re not though. We’re misunderstood and seeking connection and help.

We need space and patience to talk out our feelings without judgment, knowing what we may be feeling may not be what it looks like on the outside, but it’s what we’re feeling in the moment. And that’s real. We need space and guidance with figuring out what to do with those feelings. So we can learn how manage them so we can lessen the intensity.

In the mental health realm, people are always talking about being your own advocate. Letting people know when you need something. The thing is, because we feel everything and are so aware, we often worry about if we’re asking for too much worrying about if people have enough space to hold for us. Often sinking back into that toxic cycle of shame for the way we feel things. The comments we make that come off as “passive aggressive” or “attention seeking” are just red flags that we need something, because we feel there is no other way to express it. Because saying it straightforward would make us seem manipulative. I think we trick ourselves sometimes. We worry so much about not coming off as manipulative, that we do that exact thing. We often overcompensate when we do that with love for our people, which doesn’t help our cause.

Misunderstood not manipulative.

I know it’s not the same, but I like to think about the treatment people receive when they have a more obvious illness. When they ask for help, they’re typically treated as someone who is not being manipulative, but as someone who is trying to get the help they need.

That’s all people with bpd are trying to do, as well. Trying to figure out what we need by expressing our very intense emotions. Nobody else is in our head, there isn’t a ton of research on it, we’re trying to explain it to the world, when the world just sees us as attention seeking. I’m not saying there aren’t times when we are manipulative or toxic (all humans are to some degree), but the thing is, most of us don’t realize that’s what we’re doing. Our perspective is so different from “normal” brains. I think there’s a fine line between being our own advocate and being manipulative that many people and health care professionals seem to ignore. We’re just trying to get what we need to survive. We’re trying. We want to be good humans.

To end this stream of consciousness I want to leave you with this.

The next time you think someone is being over emotional/attention seeking – change that perspective to ” they are battling with their brain and seeking connection because they feel alone”. I have a feeling that can help change perspective to a middle ground.

If you’re like me and struggling with intense emotions, it’s okay. It gets easier and don’t let anyone keep you trapped in that cycle of shame for your feelings. We got this.

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Tips for Journaling to help flip your mood

Hello loves,

First off, thank you for subscribing! I am so happy you joined and are apart of this adventure, seriously.

So, let’s dive right in. I journal a lot, like a lot, a lot. I’ve been keeping a journal on and off since elementary school. Throughout college the amount I was journaling slowly started progressing. Filling up two journals in a year eventually turned into filling up a single journal in a month. I’ve noticed when I skip a few days or writing It correlates to me feeling a bit more cruddy. I am aware that correlation does not equal causation, but still…It has to be doing something good for me, right?

Obviously there is no wrong way to journal. Heck, sometimes me journaling is writing a blog post or a sappy instagram caption. However, there are ways I journal that help my moods and my brain. Those tips feel important to share.

I know we’ve all heard it at some point that “journaling is so good for your mental health”. However, I think thats vague advice, especially for people who have never journaled or don’t enjoy writing. I cannot tell you how often a therapist or mental health professional has recommended that I start journaling, but leaving me with no new ideas once they figure out that I already do. Advice like that can leave you feeling overwhelmed and lost on where to start. Which, is why I thought I’d pass on some tips on how I journal in a way that helps my brain and helps get me in a better mood. Hopefully it helps you too.

*disclaimer* I am not a doctor or mental health professional. This is merely what has helped me and what I have learned over the course of my life, with trials and & errors.

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26 Trips around the sun

Greetings Sunshines,

I’m feeling super sappy today as I round into my 26th trip around the sun. I used to always joke and say I didn’t think I’d make it past 22, but here we are…and it just keeps going. I’m determined that life is just one constant adventure. I’m constantly learning new things and changing my perspective on life. One day I want to live in a van off the grid, the next I want to start my own business. I feel as if I am always contemplating all the ideas and information being thrown at me and chaning my ways of perceiving things . I think that’s called growing and adapting. Anywho, I thought what better way for me to celebrate myself and my life than a super reflective post of the things I’ve learned in my twenties. Super sappy and basic somedays, what can I say. 

1. Dream big, no matter what or who tells you otherwise.

2. We all have toxic traits, every single human. None of us get to be perfect. 

3.Long distance relationships never work.

4. A degree doesn’t secure anything, but maybe some debt. 

5. But it still feels good to get a gown and a tassel. 

6. Self-love and self-validation are two of the most important things. 

7.Friends are everything. Celebrate them. Let them Celebrate you. 

8. Stop comparing, stop worrying. We really are all on a different journey. 

9. Never take yourself too seriously. 

10. Learn to enjoy life alone. Move across the country to a town you know no one, travel the world solo, take yourself out to dinner. 

11. Everyone you meet is a reflection of you to some degree.

12. Life is so much more than just paying bills and dying. A career and a degree aren’t everything. 

13. Always do what is best for your mental health. Always.

14. Finding “your authentic soul self” is more than roaming around the world and taking acid. 

15. No matter how hard you try, you can’t run away from yourself or your “demons”. 

16. Life isn’t fair, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be. 

17. Trust yourself. Trust your gut. Trust your intuition. always. 

18. Earth isn’t the happiest place, but finding beauty in the small things and holding compassion helps. 

19. Life is full of heartbreaks. Pain is inevitable. 

20. Love every chance you get. 

21. Material objects and the mainstream aren’t really that cool.

22. Capitalism really sucks. 

23. There’s always a way out of every situation. You may not enjoy the alternative, but always a way out. 

24. Animals are better than humans.

25.  Energy is real, and everything and everyone has energy. 

26. The only thing I know for sure, is that I don’t know anything. 

Thanks for reading.

Drop your best life lessons in the comments. Maybe we can all learn something

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Twisted up feelings

My emotions will be the death of me, I’m certain. 

I feel everything in extremes. 

Some say it’s a gift, but some days it feels like a curse. 

I can spend months trying to describe it to the ones I love. 

Or years trying to gain the same respect as someone who feels a little less.

I’ve cried at work. 

I’ve ruined nights with friends because of an impulsive mental breakdown. 

I’ve ruined so many good things out of triggered hurt. 

I’ve quit jobs and traveled the world in search of ways to soften the feels.

to find ways to just feel a little less. 

Everything I’ve found has told me to heal. 

I don’t know what that means. 

Revisiting trauma constantly?

I bought a salt lamp. 

I have a diffuser and sage. 

I practice yoga 6 days a week 

I meditate daily 

I journal 

I blog

I try to express my emotions in a health way

I read every self-help book I can find

I go to therapy when I can

I try, I keep trying. 

Some days feel like it’s progressing, like the emotions are more manageable.

Like I’m less impulsive on my intense feelings. 

Others, It’s like I’m back at square one. 

Trapped in this dark gloomy feeling. 

I don’t like being made out to be bad just because my brain doesn’t want to work. 

I don’t like being treated like I’m bringing everyone else down just because of unmanageable hurt. 

I wish I had something more inspiring to say. 

I guess the most inspiring thing today is feeling and acknowledging. 

Getting the thoughts all out of me to truly be the observer and studier of my own life. 

I keep thinking Ahimsa, non-harming to myself and to the world. 

How to be kinder to myself with the ups and downs. 

How to hold kindness when it feels like people are throwing rocks at your feelings, at your heart. 

It feels like I just carry the rocks, because throwing them back twice as hard will always only make me the worst. 

And dropping them to the ground seems like a lesson left to learn. 

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Maybe

maybe I spend too much money on weed

maybe self sabotage is second nature to me

maybe I do get jealous

maybe I do act out for attention

maybe I am too impulsive

does that really make me so bad?

I’d like to think it doesn’t

I’d like to think different

maybe it’s the shadow part of spirituality

that we all do it to some degree

maybe it’s that the human body can only store so many emotions

can only hold space for so much loneliness or pain

before it starts to break

before it starts to use dysfunctional tools to cope

maybe that’s the point of the whole game,

to figure out the right tools and try to enjoy it.

maybe this is what people mean when they talk about breaking the cycle of karma

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Flipping the mood

Greetings friends,

I’ve had a hard time finding motivation today. I know a part of it is universal, we’re all feeling a little stuck in our feelings lately I think.

I feel for people like me, days like that are just a little more challenging than the norm. I keep contemplating what all these heavy feelings I am having are supposed to mean/how to heal them. Heck, even how to deal with them. And why it feels so much harder on my brain. I know that sounds a lot more like complaining than doing and inspiring, but I guess that’s also apart of the journey.

In the midst of feeling this way. I keep trying to show up for myself. What have I done for myself today/how have I showed up for myself today?

I woke up and went to yoga, even though I woke up crying and wanting to play possum. I was social and did things. I even cleaned out my car and bought a little “treat”/”reward” for doing something (it was a new bowl. I bought a new bowl). I’ve been doing these law of attraction daily empowerment questions, even if it’s mid afternoon. I think they are helpful for brains like mine. I tried to connect. I read and journaled. I even did other adult like things (like getting quotes on health insurance because I’m about to turn 26 and still can’t get it together). And I even ordered an iced coffee at almost 8pm to have a little motivation to do a few more things, including this.

and that is enough for today.

I keep thinking or feeling like I should be doing more. Being more productive.

Trying harder. Making amends. I think that’s apart of the problem for me and others with similar brains. We make it harder on ourselves believing we could be doing more or better…..and maybe we could, but until we focus on the present moment and think about what we could be doing different right now (not differently just in the future) there isn’t much you can do. Sometimes doing nothing is all you can do for a mintue. I hope that makes sense.

It’s easy to fall into a trap of feeling cruddy about yourself for not doing the best, for feeling like you’re too much, or like you’re constantly misunderstood. Easy to fall into a trap of tamas/depression/a low. It’s easy to get caught in believing the odds are stacked against you, especially when there are labels that have been placed on you telling you that. I notice I apologize a lot too, for being mentally ill even though I can’t help it or am doing the best I can with it. I’m trying to not fall into that trap. The trap for everyone is different, for me it can easily spiral into a self sabotaging black hole (aka a bad depressive episode). I’m trying to flip the low I feel so I don’t fall into that trap. And I don’t think I actually will fall into it this time.

Maybe it’s the growth I’ve been needing.

My mind keeps going back to a yoga sutra that I took a deep look at last week and mentioned in a pervious post. The particular sutra talks about a yogis action not being good or bad. The analogy given in the version I have talks about yogis actions being like a knife, you can use a knife for multiple things, to cut up food or to cause harm. You can’t label the knife good or bad, because it’s all about how you use it. (that’s my synopsis on it without physically going back and looking at it). And that’s kind of how I feel about my brain. I go back and forth between labeling it bad or good or some parts of it bad and some parts of it good. When in all reality, it just is what it is. It’s all about learning how to deal with it. Learning what good can come from it. Learning when something about it needs to be flipped and how to flip it.

I promise this ties into me flipping my mood/view….but after ranting about being mentally ill on social media, today one of my internet friends gave me the idea to stop calling my mental illness an illness. Give it a different name or call it something else because it’s just different. I like that idea, because at the end of the day all that I guess is really going on in my brain is that it’s just neurodivergent/neurodiverse. The neuron particles are just moving different than “most typical” human brains and that’s not a bad thing. It’s just a different variation of the human brain in different functions. It’s just different. Just different.

And ironically enough, while working through the bpd journal I have today, one of the new exercises was talking about knowing the different areas of ourselves that our thoughts are coming from – like the different versions of ourselves and our brains. For instance, like what triggers out bpd self/child self/anxious self/emotional self/ whatever it might be for you. Then how do we use other areas of our self to kind of balance it out. (they break it down between emotional self/rational self/and wise self, but explain how more complex it can be for different people) Which is kind of an interesting idea. Especially since as a yogi that’s kind of our whole thing – balance mind, body, and soul.

So, with all of this combined new found information, I’m going to start calling my mental illness by a new name. Something that doesn’t carry as much heaviness or defeat in it. But, gets it’s own little pocket tab and manual on how to navigate it. Maybe even a term my friends can use to get me to see when I am accessing/acting from those parts of myself and trigger me to reflect and try to balance it out myself. I will now be referring to my mental illness struggles as my zebra brain – yes, yes it is because bpd and bipolar is very black and white thinking, thank you for noticing.

I hope it’s enough of a push/change to really help start flipping my energy around.

That’s all I’ve got for today. In what ways are you showing up for yourself in the present moment?

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I Matter

I matter. I know it sounds silly but I want to scream it at the top of my lungs.

I matter. Maybe it’s a cry for help, attention seeking.

Maybe it’s the reminder to myself that I’m worth more than what the little voice in my head tells me when it’s late and I’m alone.

I matter.

Maybe it’s a reminder that even though I have intense feelings, they’re still just as real as a “normal” brain.

I matter.

Maybe it’s subconscious comparison sneaking up on me, feeling less than everyone around me.

I matter.

Maybe it’s for the inner child in me, needing it to be so loud to make sure she can still hear me because her worth is the most important piece in me.

I matter. I care about what I’m doing on a Wednesday at noon.

I care about what I eat and what me and my friends have been up to.

I care about what I’m feeling and why.

I matter to myself.

I know it sounds silly.

Possibly sound aggressive about something that can so easily be misleading as ego.

Years of seeking validation that I matter from other people most of who leave or don’t even care.

Just to remember I am the only one I truly matter to.

I have to live this life.

I have to learn all these lessons.

Why would I not matter most to myself?

heal yourself, heal the world – isn’t that’s how it’s said?

You matter.

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Saturday Thoughts

This isn’t where I thought I would be at almost 26. 

It’s easy to say I just didn’t think I would live this long. Which isn’t untrue. But at the very least I thought I would be a few years into a PhD or working on some big project for some big company. Not mentally ill, with loads of student debt and unhealed wounds. I thought there was enough grit in me to keep up with everyone else. And as I say that, I’m not even sure what that means. It kind of sounds a bit silly. 

I’ve never been accustomed to doing things like everyone else. I’ve never wanted to. I’ve never really understood all the social structures of life and the hoops we have to jump through to “succeed” and maintain human connections and norms….but yet I find myself distraught that I haven’t accomplished any of those things. When I never truly wanted them anyway. 

I think it’s interesting how hard we are on ourselves and other humans to just fit in. To just do the normal things. Act the normal way. When we’re such complex creatures with different needs and passions. And that’s okay. It’s okay if you feel like you don’t fit in, maybe you’re not supposed to. It’s okay if every single one of your peers is doing better than you. It’s okay because we’re human and all of our paths are different. Being compared to some trivial thing that humans made up, silly.

Humans, we’re not that bright. We’re still animals. Animals who show each other their teeth and make a noise to show pleasure – that is literally describing laughter. 

I joke a lot about how the human experience makes no sense to me. We made up all these rules and structures and for what? To all become potatoes who think alike and slowly kill the earth? That doesn’t sit with me. 

I know those are big thoughts. Especially big thoughts for someone who is just trying to work on being more present. More in the here and now. What even is happening presently for me? I am writing, with my favorite candle burning. The sun is shining through the windows and I can hear my dog snoring. I’m sipping a coffee with an eye mask on trying not to become too whiney on the internet. The present. The here and now, I guess it isn’t that bad. 

I’m not too lost. I’m not too broken. It does amaze me the lengths I’ll go to hear someone validate me. When in all reality, nobody knows me like me. 

I’m constantly worried that nobody really likes me. I know it isn’t true, but every now and then it feels like pity. I realize that’s a deep-rooted issue, wanting everybody to like me. Maybe it’s one thing in particular or maybe a collection of things piled on top and it’s just a landfill of garbage at this point. But I’m not really sure how to burn it to get rid of it. 

I do know it doesn’t really matter at the end of the day. Only if I like me.

The days I do like myself are greater than the days I don’t and I guess that’s enough.

Being a human is so odd. 

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thoughts and things on mental illness

Hi friends and welcome back to another mental breakdown with yours truly.

I say that half joking/half serious, with no real reason to cause concern. With the bipolar, borderline, and trauma in my brain, having mental breakdowns are not an unfamiliar state of mind for me. It doesn’t mean I enjoy them or seek them out, in fact they get pretty annoying and make me feel broken and hopeless a lot. I feel like when people read that there will be a few that automatically think “well why aren’t you trying?” or “you’re using it an excuse and not trying”. That’s the thing, I’m always trying.

I don’t think most people truly realize how little research there is on mental health. How we have small solutions to things that us humans don’t grasp on a broad scale yet. Which kind of adds to the stigma of so many mental illnesses, letting people write some things off as bad or a lost cause, when really we don’t know scientifically what is happening inside of their brain.

Most of my adult life has been a series of self-help books, temporary therapy sessions and hospitalizations, mediations, journaling, searching the world, trying to figure out what helps. I keep thinking I’m finally doing everything “right” but then it flips on me. Nobody told me that healing was a life-long process that you may never be 100% successful at. Nobody told me that just when you thought you figured it out, you’ll screw up again and be back at square one. That’s because nobody really knows. Nobody really talks about it.

I want to really highlight and talk about borderline personality disorder for a momment. Why you may ask? because I think that’s the label that does the most damage and the illness that carries the hardest burdens for me. If you do a google search you’ll probably see the DSM’s criteria for borderline personality disorder that includes 9 traits – (fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, unclear self image, impulsivity, self-harm or suicidal behavior, extreme emotional mood swings, feelings of emptiness, explosive anger, and disassociation). No-one has to have all 9 to be bpd and you don’t have to have bpd to struggle significantly with one or two of these traits. However, it does mean everyone struggles differently. When you look at the criteria it looks so overwhelming and maybe even a little bit scary, but that’s usually not the case. It’s just having overwhelming emotions and poor coping skills for those emotions.

I like the idea of calling bpd emotional disregulation disorder instead, we’re just sensitive and feel things so much more deeply than others. The good and the bad. Something that hurts our feelings can actually feel like trauma, even though its not. It’s just not knowing how to deal with our emotions.

I think for me, some of the big emotions I feel are often connected to unhealed trauma. Some of that I think I struggle to see. I also think the coping skills aren’t exactly where they need to be. I’ve been feeling myself in a bad bpd episode lately, I just can’t shake it. I’m doing all of the things. Yoga, journaling, meditating, trying…..but all the big feelings are still there, they won’t move, and it’s effecting every area of my life no matter how hard I try not to let it.

Yoga tells me to maybe not be so attached to trying so hard to fix it all at once. Maybe the desire and effort to not be broken is making the light run further away and digging me deeper into a dark hole….who knows? I do know it sucks and i’m hurting, a lot – a lot. I don’t actually know what do with that hurt and doing anything while hurting, we all know how hard that is…bpd or not.

I do know that I don’t want my hurt to hurt anyone I care about or love. And it has. I want my feelings to be validated. I want to feel seen, heared and cared for. I want to be connected and do normal things. Sometimes though, that’s really hard to do when you’re in the middle of a bpd flare up. Your emotions get the best of you and you project on your people, even though you don’t actually want to. Small hurt feelings can feel like being stabbed in the back and you may say or do things you don’t actually mean. You’re just reacting because the pain is so bad and you want it to stop and do everything irrationally.

I feel like I’m back at square one today with knowing how to deal with my brain. Kind of like I was climbing towards the light when someone just pushed me down and no matter who hard I tried to find a grip, I just fell all the way back to the bottom. Back to feeling alone. Back to being demonized because I just can’t deal with my own brain right. Back to feeling like an awful human.

Sitting in my pity party last night I couldn’t get out of my brain how I just don’t want to try to climb back up again. How tired I am of trying my best and still being damaged goods. Then I realized all of the incredible experiences I have had in such a short time because of my brain. My impulsivity got me out of my comfort zone enough to travel the world (which I sometimes wonder if that was just avoidance of my trauma and self). The manic episodes make me the life of the party some nights. The depressive ones give me such deep insight. It’s not all bad and it’s been a pretty impressive journey.

It also made me realize I am not back at the bottom. My lowest point was much much worse and lonliner than this. However, as much as I don’t want to admit it I do have some big things to actively work on and change. I don’t want to be back here (because who wants to deal with their brain and trauma??), but I am. At least now I know the path a little better, I know what works (yogaaaaa) and I know there’s at least a little bit more light not that far off. It still makes me bitter though. Progress, not perfection.

In attempts to make peace with being back at a low point and with my self, I’m going to try my hardest to share this journey in detail with the world. The journey of pulling myself back up and of just figuring out who the heck I am and what the heck I am supposed to be doing in life. Sharing my thought process, rants, and insights. Because just like therapist helps you connect the dots, so does writing it out for me. I’m not sharing because I want attention (I mean I always do, bc childhood emotional neglect, but that’s not why). But because I want to share it with others so they know kind of what the journey looks like. What it entails, maybe even avoiding certain things based on what I’ve shared. To inspire others to do what they need. I want to prove I’m not a lost cause or hopeless. To prove that people with brains like mine aren’t either. I am so bitter and hurt for feeling like people in my life think that, but I still want to be better. I want to give hope to people who are also struggling, especially those of us with bpd. I want to try my best to fight the stigma surrounding bpd (and mental health/illness), the stigma that we’re awful and crazy and dangerous. Y’all that stigma runs so deep some health care professionals avoid people with a bpd diagnosis in their chart. We’re not the stigma. We’re not the “bad” people who happen to have the same illness. We just have big emotions and want those emotions to be treated with the same respect that “normal” people have when they experience big emotions.

I know I run the risk of making it seem like my metnal health issues are me, like i’m glorfying them. I’m not. I’m more than my mental health issues, but I don’t actuallt know who that is, because they developed so soon. Yoga has given me large glimpses and shot runs of time to see those authentic pieces of me, but we’re still working on that. That’s the fun thing, it gets to be apart of this journey too.

The journey of finding my soul, healing/helping my brain and learning to cope, figuring out what I need out of life and sharing it all with you. I guess that’s all this blog was ever truly about anyway. I mean I didn’t call it reckless to be cute. I felt like a reckless nomad for a good year or two, I still do somedays, but it’s a different vibe now.

I’m not sure what this new part of journey will look like. I know It’ll be more autehtic and raw than what I’m comfortable with, because it has to be. I know it’ll make some people unfomrtable because there is darkness and heaviness at times. I know it’ll be me throwing things against a wall to see what sticks at times. It’ll be confusing. It’ll be endless amounts of creating to express what needs to be expressed. It’ll be something.

to keep up with the creative expressions, follow me on instragram @therecklessnomad

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the broken

Hi loves,

It’s late and I’m feeling too much. I thought a blog post would help get it all out so it’s no longer threatening me, but I feel like I run so many risk of un-filtering myself and saying how I truly feel to the world without second guessing if it’s appropriate to share or not.

The risk of promoting mental health issue in a glamorous way, when it’s not. The risk of sharing too much that it ends up hurting others. The risk of people thinking I’m seeking attention, when really I have no other idea how to cope.

I like to call when I get in this state a “mind****”, because it is. You’re feeling so heavy and dark, but also it’s too heavy and dark for anyone else to see. Too much to express to the ones you love. Too much is a statement I hope I never find myself saying to anyone because of their emotions.

I want to say all my problems are repressed trauma that I’ve never really talked about. For why have I never talked about them? to keep the people who made me feel unlovable for most of my life safe? to hold out hope that they would eventually love me, or show it at least. To not trigger someone else or put too much more on their plate. Sometimes I do try to share it though, and it’s like my people don’t want to hear it. I get it though. I probably wouldn’t want to hear it if I hadn’t been through it.

Tonight’s one of those nights. Those nights where your traumas haunt you, where every awful thing you’ve ever felt is sitting in your heart and you feel so hopeless. I feel like this too much. too often for someone who is trying their best to not feel it all anymore. I don’t say that because I want pity or you to feel the same. but I say it for those who also understand what I’m saying to not feel so alone. And for those who never have to reach those dark spaces to understand that it’s real and it’s hard.

I don’t think everyone deals with trauma in the same way. Some humans are so resilient and it’s so beautiful and inspiring. I don’t feel like I’m one of those humans. I try, but the marks on my heart are always there. Sitting in the darkness waiting to show up and demand care at the worst times imaginable. It’s almost like it’s own little cycle that I can’t quite figure out the code to break.

Tonights one of those nights where I’m looking for anyway possible out of feeling it all. Dark thoughts I haven’t had in so long creeping back up. And I feel so disappointed in myself for letting them, but honestly I’m tired of fighting them. (trigger warning <3) That’s the thing about thought’s like that for me, thoughts of self-destruction/self-harm have been in my brain since I was in second grade and somewhere along the way have made a little samskara (imprint) on my brain. It’s like it’s made the programming all whacky and unable to deal with uncomfortable emotions.

Uncomfortable emotions is an interesting way that I described pain. Sometimes my hurt feelings get confused with trauma and It doubles up the pain. But I’m also a borderline and my emotional layer is just like 3rd degree burns and I feel everything just a little more intensely. Is my aura orange? yes. I hate feelings. I hate emotions.

I don’t know if I hate them or if i hate how deeply I feel them. I like feeling loved and connected to people. Until I see all the connections others have that I don’t. I know, a little b**** and pity party for myself, right? But seriously, those of you who have decent family connections, work and friend connections….do you not realize how lucky you are? I can’t remember a family member hugging me or telling me I was loved. I thought that was normal. Until I see how all of my friends and people have so much love from those connections and how helpful they are are for them. Of course I’m going to be bitter that I have to have less, I’m still a human. That doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful for what I do have, fearful of losing it or being replaced, but not ungrateful. I love my people probably a little too much some days.

Support systems and connections was one of the big factors doctors placed on recovery for mental health issues every time I’ve had to be admitted. Also, just in general therapy, it’s discussed so much. The thing is, most of us who struggle with mental health are typically missing connections and strong support systems….but that’s one of the strongest predictions that someone will be successful in living a healthy life with a mental illness.

I didn’t make the rules, I was told them. I think it’s pretty garbage as well. If I have all these issues largely contributed to having a garbage support system, why does that have to be such a big part in recovering or being okay? I’m not sold on it.

No-one ever explained to me how hard it is to connect to people when you’ve experienced certain trauma. How insecure you are when you make connections because something when too wrong at a young age. No one ever explains how you project all your unhealed stuff on people you care about. Not because you want to, but because you’re just so scared and it’s so deeply ingrained in your brain at this point, that it just happens. No one talks about how hard relationships/friendships are for people who are mentally ill. How you want so much to not make the lives harder for those around you, by being too much or fragile, but you are. Then you want to leave because you are too much, but then you don’t want to leave because you want those people to stay because you love them. It’s so complicated and I’ve said it so-so many times in other blog posts, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, not even the ones who hurt me.

I know people have it worse. I know people have made it through worse with flying colors. I would never want to diminish that and make it seem like I’ve had it the worst. I know I haven’t, but the lack of acknowledgment of how hard what I’ve been through has been…..that makes me feel some type of way. The lack of love, the being treated like I should have it all figured out and be healed. The lack of connections when I try so hard to make them and keep them. It’s bumming me out, guys.

I know I’m a practicing yogi. Responsible for my own feelings. I know I’m not supposed to expect things, not to cause myself pain that’s avoidable. To heal. To practice. I’m trying. It’s hard. Hard af. I feel so left out and cold, like I’ve worked harder than so many other people who easily have what I’ve tried my best to get. I want to scream and fight about it. I know, not yogic….but am human who is trying.

Walking the path alone is a term that comes to my brain a lot when I talk about my mental health and trauma. No one else can do it for us and I agree. I feel like I’ve been walking it alone for too long. I feel like some time in company is over due.

I love my people and I would never want them to feel like they’re not doing enough to help me, they are. There are always some disconnects with me tho and that’s really no ones fault I guess. I’m just tired. tired of the ups and downs. tired of the reminders and imprints in my brain. tried of the feeling. tired of the expressing. tired of trying. when does it get worth it?

I don’t know what else to say. I just wanted to get the words and thoughts out so they’re no longer haunting my brain for the night. a breath of calmness as I sit with all the darkness in my heart.

Last night I dreamed of a tsunami, I was walking along the coast of somewhere beautiful, but dark. I noticed the tide going in and out at a weird rate and watched the wave grow. As it was hitting I woke up. I guess with our emotions being connected to water and going with the flow….dreaming of tsunami and then having a night like this makes a little bit of sense. I’ll pick up the pieces that are left in the morning, I guess.

If you’re struggling, please take care of yourself. There are so many free resources if you need help. I know it’s annoying using the free resources or just jumping through all the hoops…. doesn’t feel worth it. But what if it does make a difference and help? even a little bit is better than nothing. If you know how to take care of yourself and you’re still struggling, I feel you. I see you. We’re in this together. keep going.

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Self-Love & Svadhyaya

Greetings Friends of the Inter-web

I haven’t been feeling the best and most focused lately. My emotions are all over the place and everything just feels chaotic. I know we’ve all been feeling it lately. I blame Mercury being in Retrograde, but I’m sure the state of the world has something to do with it. I feel like for all of us our sense of normal has been shaken up, maybe in a good way…. or “bad”. Regardless, it’s like we’re all just searching for some type of security or validation to bring comfort (a lot of us at least). I know based on my mental health struggles and past experiences, I personally have a bad habit of seeking validation from others. Not even about anything that matters. It could be validation about feelings, decisions, etc…..but I only do it when I get in a certain headspace. All of us humans do it from time to time. It isn’t that fun.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing, it’s a human thing. I do think after a certain point it starts to take away our own power and inability to trust ourselves. Then we start not knowing ourselves and just being what everyone else wants, and then it gets so so hard to get back to who we are. Sooo…. in an attempt to kind of put that energy and trust back into me (flip it if you will), and to do a little bit of svadhyaya (self-study). I wrote a list of things I like about myself. I’m sharing a few things from that list because I just think we all need the inspiration or motivation sometimes. Or an example or starting place.

A few things I like about myself:

I like my sense of curiosity

I like how I’m not afraid to roam the world alone.

I love my boldness.

I like how I can eventually laugh at anything, even if it’s bad or something silly I did.

I like how willing I am to try to do the right thing, even if Im a little confused about right from wrong sometimes (oops)

I love my hair, yep. a little vain, but true.

I like how excited I can get about change.

You get the point. Just a few things about myself that I don’t appreciate on the regular or forgot about myself. I don’t think we celebrate ourselves enough. I also don’t think we really know ourselves all that much sometimes. Self-love is kind of a way to self-study too. Forcing yourself to think about who you are and what you do and why. We don’t take the time we need to love ourselves and truly know ourselves. We (maybe I’m just speaking for myself here), but we can’t want or expect to help and know others when we can’t do it for ourselves. Maybe we think it’s selfish or egotistical, but it isn’t.

Celebrate yourself. Drink some water.

I want to know in the comments what are some things you love about yourself? What do you do to take back your own power or take care of yourself?

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Back Down South

Hey Y’all,

That right there is my southern accent slipping out. You can take the girl out of the honkey tonk but not the honkey tonk out of the girl, I guess. If you don’t follow my instagram you may not know that I have ventured off back to my Alabama roots for a few days. In my last post I discussed how my mental health has been taking a turn, and when I mean taking a turn, I mean a turn that’s spiraling down hill. So, I did what any rational human would do, I came “home” to find some stability and clarity. And home for me is just as you guessed it, good ole Alabama. I came to catch up with those in my life who have stayed here and to just re-visit where I’m from in hopes of finding some healing and stability. I don’t say this to cause concern, but I don’t think my mental health has been in this rough of a place in the past year and a half. It’s just as bad, but I feel like I am handling the mental health crisis a lot better than I have in the past. So, kudos to me….progress not perfection.

There has been a lot on my mind and in my heart the past week. Difficult feelings, traveling, visiting my childhood home and hometown, visiting old friends, and being removed from the chaos I felt back in Michigan and emotions I have coming from it. I’ve been struggling to find the words to say how I feel and what’s going on with me…..and I am still not sure I have the right ones. As a reminder, the intention of my blog and postings is always to share my experiences with my mental health and life in hopes it helps me heal, inspired others, helps others relate and find inspiration through it, and to help the people I love understand how my brain works a little better. Why? Well my dear friend, my mental health effects everything in my life. And yes, I do mean everything. Bipolar and borderline personality disorder are two very big and very real disorders and they aren’t really two that should be taken lightly. I stress this because I think sometimes when we love people and know they struggle but haven’t seen how ugly that struggle can be for them, we may unintentionally underplay just how hard what they struggle with can be. So when it does get ugly, we think it’s all their fault, but it really isn’t.

Side note, I think it’s helpful to replace the term borderline personality disorder with emotionally unstable personality disorder as many health professionals and advocates across the world are doing. I personally just think it’s a better synopsis of what the disorder is. Unstable emotions. Not being able/not really knowing how to control their emotions. Having very very thin emotional skin, without any reason. You get the picture. It just paints a more accurate representation of what the illness is.

Alright, now that we got that out of the way…..living with unstable emotions effects every area of my life. my relationships, my work, my day to day routine….everything y’all. I think I could argue it’s why I roam around recklessly and have not-the-best stability in friendships/relationships, work, and just normal stability in life. I’m very open with my struggle and try to make sure everyone who is close to me is aware of the extent that these effect me, because even though I am trying my best, they can still get rough and difficult to get through. The thing is, I’m starting to see that many people who “watch” my life or know me think I chose those things….. choose to be overly emotional. Choose to be insecure and let my fears effect every aspect of the life. I wish so deeply that I could show everyone who believes this what it feels like in my soul, my bones, and in my brain so you knew it wasn’t a choice. I guess that’s not how things work though, yeah? When I say my emotions effect everything, I truly mean it. A small comment from someone I love can actually break my heart, send me in a spiral and I couldn’t tell you why. The comment may have even been taken completely out of context by me. I recognize how irrational that sounds to someone with a brain that isn’t like mine. I recognize how irrational it is to feel it when I feel it, but I can’t really change that. The hope is to just get people who understand how your brain works and work with you, but that isn’t always the case I guess.

I want to believe or think that people like me truly do just sub consciously pick up on subtle ques or changes in energy that make us seem irrational. That we’re so intuitive that we do ourselves injustice instead of service until we figure out how to hone in on our gifts. After all, research has suggested that people with bpd (emotionally unstable personality disorder) have an enhancedd emotional recognition skill. Which sounds great, until you realize you have to feel all the emotions that you’re picking up on and know how to interrupt them and what to do with them…..we have no idea, because it’s not something we’re even taught is a gift…..I’m not sure that is a skill I’ll ever learn at this point. Additionally, people around us don’t really want to believe that we can pick up on things, they like to think of us as crazy and irrational….the “it’s all in your head saga”. I don’t think it is all in our head though. Even if the intuitive part of what I believe is wrong. I think we’re just doing our best to put the pieces of what we feel together. It’s so hard for others to understand though. Which additionally makes it hard for us to establish stable and long lasting relationships. Jobs and lives.

I guess that’s what’s happening right now in my life that’s making things so challenging. I’m going through the inevitable pitfall of people recognizing how unstable my emotions truly are. How much validation and patience that is needed to have me in someones life. And they realize, it’s not something they want to keep around and I have to be okay with that…..and it just feels sucky. Especially because I can pick up on it sometimes before the people wanting to leave do.

I know from all the yoga I have emerged myself in that owning our own emotions as our own responsibility is something we should do. I’ve also read in all the yogi books how pain is purification, how we choose what we feel, and how we cause more pain for ourselves. I understand a lot of the yoga philosophy that I read. But relating it back to my brain and understanding it in a way that relates to my personal (more mental and emotional) life is still incredibly hard and something I have failed to do yet….because I don’t really feel like I am choosing any of this I feel. I also don’t feel like I am knowingly creating more pain for myself or that it is even all my own pain. It’s complicated and confusing, honestly.

As I sit here righting this, I am even more confused by it all. My emotions. Why I am in Alabama. Why I am not in still in Michigan. Why I am at odds with people I love the most. Why I feel so deeply hurt and lost when just a month ago I felt the most found and loved than I ever have.

I hope I figure it out. I hope being here and doing all this gives me something that I need. Something to understand myself a little bit better. Something to understand others more efficiently. And something to give me peace and guidance about it all. I’m not sure if that will happen, but a girl can hope.

If anyone reading this can relate or has ever felt something similar. My heart is truly with you, because this garbage if freaking hard. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again….I wouldn’t wish my mental health on my worse enemy. I will say that anyone who has a brain remotely similar to mine and is trying to understand it and not take it out on others….you’re amazing and probably one of the strongest people on this planet. Don’t give up. At least we have each other, yeah? It sounds cheesy, but we all know how true that statement is.

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Avoidable Pain

I’m not sure when my blog posts turned from traveling the world into traveling through my emotions, but welcome to the journey. I’m also not sure if writing out my feelings out on the internet to strangers is brave and helpful. Maybe it’s seen as weak and whiney. Maybe it’s a vulnerable effort to not feel so alone with my emotions in this vast chaotic world. Regardless, I’m doing it.

I’ve been pondering a lot about the things I’ve learned from yoga (practicing, reading, teaching, training, philosophy, etc). I can’t seem to get the Kleshas off my mind. And regardless if you’re a practicing yogi or not, I think there is something about them we can all use and ponder on in our leisure time. The Kleshas are things we do that cause avoidable pain. The “things” are Avidya (ignorance), Asmita (ego), Raga (attachment), Dvesha (aversion), Abhinivesha (fear of death).

If you’re anything like me, you’re probably thinking “wait I don’t do any of this or at least not intentionally” and arguing with yourself that there is no way that you would ever cause more pain for yourself. I think that’s why they get stuck in my head a lot. I’m always trying to make a connection to my current pain to see if I can avoid it in the future, but then isn’t that just aversion to pain? I don’t actually know.

Lately I’ve been feeling confused and emotional, kind of like everyone knows something that I don’t. I think that’s linked to my ego, thinking I should know everything, ignorance and avoidance in why I am actually confused and emotional. Choosing to play dumb and not dig deep into it, but give a quick reason to my feelings. I think a lot of people do that, especially with brains like mine(bpd/mental health struggles). We like to put a story as to why we feel some type of way, a “prettier” or more “dramatic” one than what it really is. But sometimes I just feel sad and emotional and there is no story to it. Or maybe there is a story and it has nothing to do with me, I’m just simply picking up on what someone around us is feeling and making it out own (look at that, my ego).

I’ve also been taking a look at everything and everyone in my life. Everyones world has been flipped around, a lot more people are alone more than they’ve ever been. While I, on the opposite end, have more human interaction and company than I’ve possibly ever had (or at least had and enjoyed). When I was in yoga teacher training and spent time figuring out some of the things I was attached to, I think I took a little too much pride in saying “nah I don’t have a lot of attachments”. Because clearly, on the outside it looks like I didn’t; wondering around and traveling, quitting jobs, never seeing any of my close friends because we live in different states. But I think I was just avoiding attachments (I know, these things just all tangle together don’t they?). Here I am now with more people and things in my life that I enjoy and care about, only to realize I don’t really want to lose any of it because I do enjoy it. I start realizing how subtle changes in energy or “norms” emotionally effect me when usually they don’t, because I’m scared those things I love are going to change or go away. Sure, it’s normal, we all do it and have things and people and pets we care about that we don’t want to let go of….. but it would create a lot less emotions if I just let it be or didn’t hold on so tight.

I think that’s the work though, figuring out how to not do these things or reverse them. How to not create more chaos and pain in life. It’s been at the forefront of my brain today, how to not cause more emotional pain for myself. It sounds as simple as “well just let your ego and attachments go”, but how to do that looks a lot different in every situation. It’s not really as cut and dry as it may seem (some days it is tho), especially if you have these things built into you and have been doing them for years. I think for me, it’s more of just recognizing what I’m doing when (or shortly after) I’m doing it. It kind of lessen the blow of emotions that comes from it all or helps me realize why I felt awful. Writing it all out and hopefully giving someone else some sort of insight is helpful, it makes me feel like maybe me making the connections helps someone else make their own.

Try to create a little less pain for yourself today. And don’t beat yourself up if you can’t.

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mood swings and things

Some days words just don’t come out like they should. I think today is one of those days. I woke up racking my brain over things to say. Things to say in place of how I felt, but it just keeps coming up short. I casually talk about my mental health and how it effects me so often, but I still have days when I forget that whatever is going on inside of me, is just my mental illness and nothing more.

I think today is one of those days. The ones where I can’t really describe what’s going on, but it’s strongly affecting me and my day because I’m struggling to manage it. I know it’s human nature to be emotional, to have different moods on different days. To pick up on others moods or the vibe of the day. Some days it’s just like a certain mood can trigger a deeper version of itself for whatever reason and sometimes even an episode or mood swing. The BPD and bipolar mix really is a fun one some days and I mean that as sarcastically as you read it.

I think I’ve evolved to a point where I am more aware of when my emotions turn into a mood swing or episode. However aware I am tho, it’s still hard to navigate at times. Especially because it feels like I don’t really know “what I really feel” and what is just being exacerbated because of the brain I have. Then there comes the point where I have to stop digging for reasons and start trying to get out of the hole I just dug. And sometimes you just get stuck there.

I don’t like when I get like this. I don’t like myself some days because of my mood. I don’t like how I don’t have an answer for the people around me on why I feel the way I do. How sometimes I just give a dramatic answer followed by being dramatic to just have a reason. Or how I sometimes don’t even know how to describe what’s going on to someone who can’t understand it. How I struggle to over up how big my emotions are. Causing me to unintentionally being the girl who is always going through something. I don’t want to be her somedays, but I have to.

I think anyone who struggles with their mood and emotions has a tendency to demonize their mental health struggles. However, I have a really hard time believing that my brain just works a certain way to make my life and everyones around me more challenging. I like to think that there are good things to come out of it too. Some days those good things are hard to find, but I always circle back to at least it makes me have more empathy for others emotions.

As whiney as it may come off to some people to be talking about my emotions on the internet, I know that it could be just as beneficial to someone struggling with similar issues to read. Also, it’s kind of helps come to terms with what’s going on inside my brain. To write it all out so it’s not just all harbored inside of me eating at my muscles.

I don’t know how the rest of my day will play out. If i’ll find a way to be a functional human. If i’ll find an outlet for all the emotional distress I feel. Or, if it’ll all just work itself out.

I do know that I’ll try. And as annoying as it feels, at least it’s not as hard as it has been in the past.

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An Emotional Word Dump

Today I cried because I got too many text messages about work. It’s not that I don’t love my role, I do and I feel lucky to be in it. At the same time though, sometimes I just need some distance. A break. Better planing skills, perhaps. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed. with the world, myself. who knows?

I think today’s post is going to be a stream of consciousness about the world and what’s going on in my brain. A brain dump, if you will.

I think about the word sorry a lot. Saying sorry, being sorry. Being sorry for even existensiting and taking up space. I’m one of those cronic “I’m sorry” sayers, but I’m working on it.

Working on figuring out why I need to say sorry so much. Wondering if it’s the need for pleasing and seeming perfect for others to receive external validation. Maybe it’s a deep seed of trauma from always being the culprit of drama in my childhood home. Maybe it’s a little bit of both, spilling into each other.

I’ve been thinking a lot about trauma. My trauma, others trauma. How it all is just given to us and it greatly influences who we are. How some of us heal and live a mildly effected life from it, maybe even helping others. How others have no idea or awanress of how they’ve even been traumatized, or how bad.

There’s a level of shame with any trauma. It could be the idea that you could’ve done something different. You must have done something to deserve it. And logically we all know we shouldn’t have shame because it isn’t out fault, but how so many are still bound by it.

I think childhood trauma effects us more, maybe that’s my own perspective playing in. Holding onto a level of shame and not being taught different, reaching for love because you never had it, but not really trusting yourself or others with it….having to teach yourself the difference in all this as an adult is a different game than most are used to, but still far to common.

Shame and sorry go together. The more shame you have, the more reason you have to be sorry. Sometimes sorry for even being sad that you’re still being effected by things that happened so long ago. Sorry your trauma is bringing others down because you’re still being effected. That you feel like you should already be healed from. Sorry for being triggered. Or just sorry for being different and hard to understand.

I get like that sometimes, being sorry for my emotions, for letting them spill out onto others or having others have to witness them. Even though I am fully aware that I can’t always control my emotions, no matter how hard I try. Sometimes not knowing if its your own stuff or if it’s something valid for being sad for. It just kind of keeps that cycle of shame going it seems.

Today I thought about how hard it is to heal from trauma. Any trauma, the things we don’t even know are effecting us…..until we finally sit down and realize what it is that is really bothering us and what causing us to act in a different way or just feel bad. Or maybe you have to revisit trauma so many times to see how it’s still effecting you.

I think I had some realizations today on how things are still effecting me, how I’m reacting in response to it. And it just amazes me that one day I can feel so unaffected from crappy things that have happened to me and how the others it feels like a consistent aching and reminder in my back of my heart and I just can’t shake it off.

I almost said sorry for this getting depressing, but then I remembered that we’re VETOING sorry for tonight. I think it’s an embedded fear that people are going to think I want them to feel bad or sorry, but it’s just expression.

But seriously, this wasn’t meant to get sad. Talking about emotions or deep things don’t always have to be sad or annoying. It just is what it is. An emotional baggage dump of words right now, I supposed.

Maybe some would call it a creative outlet, but I would argue that the words in this post are less than creative.

I keep thinking I should be more creative right now. There’s so much chaos going on in the world, creating and making positive tangiable things seem essential right now for us humans. But knowing how to turn what you feel into something creative is something a lot of us (myself included) haven’t quite figured out.

I don’t know where I am going with this, but I do know I feel emotionally drained and needed to write it out. I want to say I don’t know why I feel this way, but I do. My own unhealed shit, everyone around me has big stuff going on, and the universe just doing some wild stuff. We also opened hips today in yoga class, yay emotions. So here I am, posting it on infinite web in hopes that it clicks for someone else. That’s what we’re all dong here, right?

I do know that I was vegan for 3 and half years and right now I am sitting on my bed with an empty buffalo wild wings container for boneless honey bbq wings. I know, weird times right now. I do know that I could probably start crying again if one more person asks me to do something for them before tomorrow is over. I do know that I am about to take my dog and get an iced coffee at 9pm just so I can stay up later from some “me time”. Maybe figure out how to feel better.

I do know that tomorrow I’ll probably be in a better mood.

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Fresh Perspective

Greeting friends of the inter web!

Cheers to starting a new trip around the sun. In light of new things, I thought I would try this new thing where I just write about whatever comes to my mind, share guided meditations, and more fun/creative stuff. Since this does take up a little bit more of my time, I’m sharing it only with a purchased subscription. So feel free to subscribe and unsubscribe at any time. As well as leaving feedback and comments (:

Now, back to the new year. I feel a lot of us humans thought energy would start to shift back to “normal” during the new year. I think it’s safe that we all assume at this point things probably won’t “go back to normal”. Everything feels mucky and dark, like the hope has been drained out of so many people. It’s kind of like most of us feel like we’re in this big waiting game of “oh what do I do until things go back to normal” or “I can’t do it how I like, so why would I do it?. And that’s kind of the ramblings in my mind today, changing old perspectives to new ones. Especially in relation to how we see the world right now.

I get it, a lot of us had things we did that made us happy that we can’t do now and if we can do it, it’s not the same. I know wearing a mask can suck, but it’s winter and kind of cozy now. Things just overall are different and a lot of us are still attached to the way things were because of comfort, familiarity, fear, etc. It’s like we would rather do nothing, since we can’t have what we enjoyed before….. But, If there is one thing I learned the last year, it was that you can’t hold onto the good, just like we shouldn’t hold onto the bad. It all just creates more pain that we don’t need. Any of my fellow yogis know the klesha I’m talking about.

Kind of like how when you pick up a bad habit, and you know every time you do it it’s bad…. but you rationalize it with having a bad day/needing it and do it anyway, then you start doing it more and then shaking that bad habit slowly gets harder and harder to shake until maybe it spirals into an actual problem. You get so attached to it, it becomes more painful until it consumes you. “positive attachment” works kind of the same way, especially when it is an attachment that is no longer feasible….it’s going to create way more pain trying to grasp that attachment….because you can’t have it anymore.

I get it though. There are a lot of things I miss, but I also feel like there are a lot of new things to gain and learn from doing things in a new way. Maybe I’m just rambling and trying to sound inspiring. Regardless, I think a new year is a good time to start shifting new perspectives on things. Maybe it’s not the end of the world. Maybe everything hasn’t gone to garbage. Maybe, just maybe, we all need to open our minds and hearts a little bit more to the good that can come from everything.

If we live in a world of what was and not what could be, we’re not really living.

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2020 End of Year Review

Howdy internet friends,

It’s been a week or so since I’ve posted, I’ll blame it on the Holidays even though I don’t really do much. Anywho, what better way to start off a new trip around the sun than with a reflection on the pervious year.

Thanksgiving I wrote about how grateful I was for 2020. How it has kind of been good for me in a lot of ways. Dare I say one of the best years of my adult life. However, I recognize how hard this year has been for so many and my heart goes out. But dang, y’all…..we lived in and survived such a wild year in history. Gives me chills.

The global pandemic, the political climate in the states, the earth is actually on fire, ALIENS, and so so soooo much more. What a time to be a human on earth.

Regardless, I think we’ve all learned a lot in this past year. Originally I was going to share 20 things things I learned in 2020 that I probably wouldn’t have learned if any other circumstances didn’t arise….however after realizing how long of a list that would be, I decided to add just 5 fun things I learned that hopefully we can all relate to just a bit.

1. I actually enjoy wearing a mask …

I could probably write 20 reasons on why I enjoy wearing a mask, but I won’t bore you with that. Sure, it has pitfalls (mask zits and makeup stains), but…..it forces us to have eye contact with people, nobody knows if you have RBF, and it helps prevent from all kinds of sickness not just COVID. It’s a win in my book.

2. Surrendering

Ok, I’ll admit that sounded cheesy right off the bat. But seriously, I think all of us have had to learn to give up some amount of control and go with the flow of things to some degree. It’s been a reality check that us as humans are not in control of everything, but rather have to adapt with the changing environment that we live in. I think that is kind of rad. Plus, less to worry about if we can’t control it. Rolling with the punches.

3. Nothing really matters

Before you get concerned, I promise I don’t mean this in a depressing way. Going right along with surrendering…. .we have no idea what is going to happen from all of this, so don’t be afraid to take a risk. The typical 9 to 5 or picture perfect life you think you wanted pre-pandemic, probably won’t exist anymore…so surrender and try something new.

4. Time isn’t real

I have been joking about this all year, but I am serious when I say time doesn’t exist in my brain anymore. I think we’ve all kind of learned that time is just made up for profit. Imagine what we could accomplish if we just didn’t think about time, probably more than you think.

5. Technology really is a blessing and human connection is important

I know a lot of older generations like to blame technology for us younger generations poor mental health, but seriously how lucky are we that we could still keep in touch with everyone and keep the world “running” through technology. I spent years deleting and re-downloading social media and wanting to get rid of technology and it took a pandemic for me to finally see the beauty in it. I know everyone is probably like “duh”, but seriously…..I truly think this year highlighted for all of us of how important it is to have consistent contact with other humans and how technology helps us do that.

Overall I know 2020 sucked, but we all can learn something from what this past year has given us.

For me 2020 was transformative. For others it was awful. Regardless, I think it will prepare us or make us grateful for whatever is to come.

Cheers to another trip around the sun, my dudes.

Let’s welcome 2021

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The Way We See The World

I’ve been struggling lately for topics to write about. Sure, there are endless possibilities of topics, but the only thing my brain can muster up the energy to write about is a sort of reflection on traveling, looking back at past decisions and being so incredibly lucky that I made them.

This isn’t coming from a place of ego or me being conceited because I did something (at least I don’t think), but rather a place of gratitude….gratitude that I think a lot of us cold relate to.

My entire childhood I always wanted to go. To travel, to get as far away from the town and people I knew and create something new. To experience life and adventures. To find different ways to be a live. I’d been creating a bucket list since I can remember of all the places I wanted to go and see. No one in my family or friends had ever really traveled out of the little south eastern part of the states. Not to other countries. Nesttled in their idea of safety, which I can argue isn’t all that safe, but whatever. I wanted something different. I wanted to see what I saw when watching the discovery channel, on scrolling the internet, and what experience what I read in books.

As we get older, it’s like the light and adventures we have slowly start to dim. They seem out of reach. We can’t do something for x amount of reasons. But it isn’t true. I always thought I had to have a friend with me to travel. Convincing my friends to spontaneously drive across country with me when I was in my late teens and early twenties was a good start, but when you want to take your travel out of the country and to more complicated places…..it’s hard to schedule a time for everyone to go. Money is another big issue I think that sets us back (along with taking off work and school). I think we all have this idea that it’s hella expensive to travel….and it can be, but it also doesn’t have to be.

At some point in my early twenties I quit waiting. Waiting on friends to go with me. Waiting for the right time, for the right amount of savings or break from school/work. And I left, and I stayed gone for longer than I anticipated and I started doing it again and again. Just going on a whim to a foreign country because, “I’m only young once” and I so desperately wanted to spend that time seeing the world and learning from it. Friends envied me, people weren’t happy with me, and it’s kind of like a lot of people in my life thought I was being careless or stupid. Like I was running away from something (which, if you read enough post you’ll know it was the exact opposite). In a sense I did lose people for doing what made my soul happy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

None of us laymen could have predicted a global pandemic, none of us can clearly predict how it’s going to change life on earth. How normal international travel will be, how easy or difficult. How nothing will be the same…How every country and culture will change (even if it’s slightly) to adapt.

And I just feel so grateful for that kid deep in me who demanded to go see the world before 2020. For the pieces of me that pushed me to go on a whim. Trusting myself to figure it out, but knowing I had to do it. I feel so grateful that I got to the see the world before this year got ahold of it… and will hopefully get to see the world after. A perspective we usually only read about in history books or watch in documentaries, but get to live it. We get to live it. How cool it that?

As bad as things seem to be right now, as stagnate and sinking as Iseem to feel some days, I know eventually it won’t be like that. Nothing last forever.

Where I’m going with this is, live your life. Start finding what sets your soul on fire and find ways to do it…do it even though the world looks different and it will look a little different.

At the end of the day, living life isn’t just being scared and sad and staying one place. It isn’t waiting for the perfect time to do or not do something. It isn’t about just dreaming of doing something either. It’s trusting yourself. It’s finding a way to do it if it feels important enough. It’s living in a place that isn’t operating out of fear, but love and the specific things that set your own personal soul on fire.

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Wandering Thoughts of My Life

I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere.

That there’s not a place for me to fit into in this lifetime.

Like there’s not really a place to call home.

That’s why I think I wander around the way I do. Why I up and leave without saying hardly anything.

I start to see the pieces of myself that I don’t really like all too much start surfacing.

And even though I try my best to push them back down or let them go, like a ball you hold underwater, they spring back up with more force.

These pieces of me are like a dark blanket that slowly wraps me in coldness and leaves me feeling unlovable.

Fearful those around me will see it.

So, I run.

I run to find the better pieces of myself. To find new sights, new perspectives, new energy. To find reasons for the “bad pieces”.

I run to protect the people I love from seeing too much of those pieces and to protect myself from self-sabotaging.

It’s not that I dislike myself or want to be anyone different. It’s more complicated than that. A type of complicated I can’t put into words.

I call my “running” wandering. Convincing myself and everyone who knows me that it’s good for me. I tell my friends they should do it, to get out of their comfort zone and feel something.

Somewhere along the way, I think it became my comfort zone. Knowing if things go side ways, I can dip out to somewhere new.

I don’t think I’m alone it that. I think we all do something similar to cope with the pieces of ourself we don’t love.

I don’t know if everyone else noticed, but we’re in a global pandemic, so running in an emotional upheaval is a little more challenging than in the past.

Regardless, earlier this week I was bound and determined to wander. To get as far away from my big emoticons as possible. To refresh.

Two hours in I was fighting with myself. About if I was making my emotions worse or better. If this was all just a pattern. The longer I drove, the more exhausting driving sounded.

It started to feel less like an intuitive soul searching trip and more like avoidance.

I turned around. Maneuvering myself into a pointless 4 hour loop. Half relieved that I wouldn’t have to drive longer, half concerned with what to do about the big emotions surfacing.

I still don’t know what I’m doing about it.

I’m trying though. Trying something new.

Getting out of your comfort zone and feeling something new doesn’t always mean traveling to some far away place. Sometimes getting out of our comfort zones is dealing with those pieces of our self’s that make us uncomfortable. That scare us.

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For The Over Thinkers and Deep Feelers

I know all too well what it’s like to have a brain that likes to over analyze and have feelings as deep as the ocean. This ones for all of us.

The one’s with emotions so big that they seem impossible to handle. Where a small comment can run a ripple effect that causes a tsunami.

The ones who have brains that they have to battle. Brains and thoughts that spin into borderline paranoia over things that aren’t all that serious.

The one’s who’s over thinking causes more gut wrethcening feelings than they could ever deserve.

The all night cryers, the emotionally distant white liars, and the ones masking it all gong through the motions of the day, but a pen could send you spiraling down.

I see you, I feel you, I am you.

I over feel a lot and have a hard time letting the spinning in the brain and those hard feelings go. So aware that I could easily spill it onto someone who also doesn’t deserve it, but trying to figure out how to let it go.

Just like any form of creativity, the creation is an outlet for the feelings. A way to transform the unbearable into something beautiful, letting it not harm a soul.

Creativity is a break from the over thinking and a chance to be absorbed in something neutral and healing.

I don’t feel like a very creative person. My words don’t flow “right” when I write, my brain is dull when I paint, and despite my dreams when I was 13, I am in no way musically inclined.

However, that’s the fun thing about creativity. There is no one way to be creative.

Y’all….I have so many emotions. It’s the BPD and being on the pisces/aries cusp, I’m sure.

However, the past few days alone while everyone was with people they loved, really made me realize how many big unresolved emotions I have and don’t know what do with.

Honing into those creativity skills, I’ve decided to get a little more creative with my blog.

Offering more than just words on a page, but rather getting creative and offering a few things that are a little more helpful here.

I’ve spent the year in teacher training, and although I haven’t officially gotten any of my certificates, I think I am qualified enough to give you guys short virtual meditations from wherever I am.

Additionally, although my words don’t always flow “right” when I write, I know how healing writing can be. I want to get creative with offering journaling prompts (and other creative outlets) aimed towards processing big emotions.

What else? Who knows, I have so many ideas, but I want my followers to be on board and genuinely get something positive out of it. So for now, we will start here.

If this sounds like something you’re interested, you can subscribed to my “premium content” which I am calling “hidden gems”. It renews on a month to month basis, but you can cancel at any time. It will included everything I mentioned above, but also exclusive blog posts that are a little more raw, so my over feelers and thinkers don’t feel so alone.

Since this is a new journey I am starting and you’re hopefully starting it with me, I am open to feedback about what you like and don’t like. Along with, suggestions, comments, and concerns.

so much love

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Grateful For 2020

I know, controversial, nothing is supposed to make us feel grateful right now. I get it. Usually around this time of year my social media is full of people posting why they are grateful every week and I am usually mega annoyed by it (thinking we should always be grateful). However, I am not seeing many of those post this year. I typically despise the Holidays with every ounce of my being and I am still not feeling into it this go around. I’m extra grumpy and sesnsitive, I feel left out, and completely despise everyone who is having fun with way too many people than they should be socializing with right now. However, I think a lot of us are feeling like that right now, not just me. So, in an attempt to try to flip it, why not list off some things I am grateful for that have happened this year. I feel like listing off some things I am grateful for can never really hurt at anytime….. and after all, now is the time we should try to be the most grateful.

Yoga Friends ❤

I say it a lot, but I’m grateful for yoga. Grateful that I got to spend this entire year absorbed in studying, practicing, and teaching yoga. I’m grateful that I got to apply so much of what I learned into my day to day life and just kind of experiment with it all. I’m grateful for all the self-realization that has come along with that. My body is super grateful for all the yoga I’ve been doing (I’ll say it, even though it’s not about the results or the pose, my butt is looking cute from all those 5 min chair poses). I’m grateful for all the people who are apart of and that I’ve met through the studio. I could write a paragraph on why I am grateful for each person I’ve met through there this year. Each one of them just touches my heart in a different way, they are all amazing. I’m grateful for all the warmth and love I feel there and through yoga. I’m grateful that most of my time and energy was spent doing yoga with these people this year, so freaking grateful. I think yoga was a big influence in why everything else turned out so gracefully.

Reconnecting with my Kourt!

I’m grateful for the reconnected and the newly connected friendships. I’m grateful that I finally don’t feel the need to runaway…..that I was forced to stay in one place for so long, that I’ve actually learned a few things. I’m grateful for all the love I have felt this year, not kidding when I say this is the most loved I have felt in my entire life and I can’t decide if that’s sad or beautiful. I’m grateful for the hours long zoom calls talking to my friends and their kids. I’m grateful for the socially distant hang out sesh’s with my friends, roommates, the outdoor walks, dog walks, and the patio “wine” nights. I’m grateful that we all had each other and still check in on each other during the chaos. And I’m grateful for so, so so much more related to my people. So many people that I’ve met and spent time with this year that have made such a sweet impact on me. I’m grateful for my people.

Ashely being Ashley back there ^

I’m grateful for my roommate and my best friend, aka my pandemic buddy. That we’ve spent this entire year (and a very stressful move and month of chaos) together and still love each other. I’m grateful that I got to teach her yoga and she got to teach me how to cook (true story). I’m grateful for the weird nights, the laughs, the crying with each other as we find reasons to just vibe. For the being included in her family’s igame pool tournament and pre-covid Holiday plans. I’m grateful for the understanding and respect we have for each other. I could not ask for a better situation or person to spend 2020 with.

Im grateful that I finally don’t hate myself every day. That I found a little bit of confidence that I had lost and brought it back with a lot more authenticity. I’m thankful that I finally learned to laugh at myself and the world. That I’m learning to be myself and noticing when something doesn’t feel authentic. I’m thankful I’m learning not to take things too seriously, but still be responsible. I’m thankful that I learned to expect a little less out of others and the world. And that i’ve learned enough to know most people are always trying their best too. I’m grateful that even when people are being intentionally rude, jealous, judgmental, I’m able to take a step back and try not to get emotionally charged (doesn’t always work, but progress not perfection). I’m thankful that I don’t cringe when I hear myself talk or see pictures of myself anymore. That I don’t beat myself up for silly mistakes.

It seemed odd to not have a photo here

I’m grateful for the silly mistakes and lessons I’ve finally learned. For the messy moments I’ve had. For all the insights that came from those messy moments. I’m grateful people in my life still stick around after those messy moments. I’m thankful for all the jobs i’ve had and quit this year…. and the extremely stressful moments that I handled better than I ever could’ve in the past. I’m grateful for finally re-learning how to do my makeup and brush my hair (seriously if you knew me a year ago, you get it). I’m grateful for all the hobbies I’ve learned and all the quality time alone that I’ve gotten. I’m grateful for all the writing and reading I’ve done, and for way less time spent watching TV. I’m grateful for every period I started when I was over a week late.

Delilah, the infamous pup.

I’m grateful for all the extra time with my pup, she’s truly the best being to ever grace me with their presence. I’m grateful for the constant companion, the goofiness she has when everyone in our house is sad. She’s so perfect.

She deserves two photos.

I’m grateful for the two impulsive trips I took and then realizing I just wanted to go back home. I’m grateful for all the music and long drives to nowhere I’ve taken. I’m so thankful that even though the world seems like it’s falling apart, I feel like I’m finally coming together. I’m grateful that I’m okay with being wrong. I’m thankful that I can finally like people, without them having to like me back. I’m grateful that the world finally became a place where I could exist without having a mental breakdown, without wanting to not exist. I’m grateful that I wake up and want to be here, without dreading the day ahead of me. I’m grateful for all the healing I’ve done this year. And all the coping skills I’ve learned to deal with my sensitive a** moods. I’m thankful for how self-aware I am about my mental health and when it’s not doing too great, trying to ride it out or fix it.

Immediately following last photo, where I fell in mud.
Aesthetic photo taken on first 2020 trip. Badlands, SD

I’m grateful for all the forgiving I have gave to situations, myself, and people who have hurt me. For realizing that in some of those situations, others weren’t actually intending harm. I’m thankful for finally understanding past (& sometime current) situations and experiences that were difficult.

I feel so incredibly lucky for this year, that it feels selfish. I’m lucky that in a world where everyone’s mental health and life seems to have gotten progressively worse, mine has someone gotten progressively better. It’s kind of like I was living in a world not made for my brain and now that we’re all freaking out, I’m figuring out how to be okay.

I’m grateful Joe Biden was elected our next president. I’m grateful we had to go on lockdown and as a society, majority of us finally realized how corrupt our system is and we’re all finally eager to fix it. I’m grateful that I get to watch Earth try to heal itself and can only hope we will listen. Earth will be fine without us, it’s incredible to be apart of, though. I’m grateful for how kind and humble this year has made all of us, bringing back a lot of humanity it feels like.

I’m thankful for all the change 2020 has brought.

While I usually cringe at the long sappy thankful post’s on thanksgiving, meeting it with judgement instead of love….I think I finally understand them a little better. Am I still a little bitter and grumpy? Yes, but at least I feel a little better, a little more content that I can have negative emotions and still be grateful, and I know that maybe some of that bitterness is my own garbage. And as insane as it may sound, I actually think this year has been my favorite so far. The laughs, the tears, the time with humans.

So, so thankful for all the love.

Thanks 2020.

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10 Things For My Brain: Pandemic Edition

Greetings from the underworld my dudes.

It’s pretty evident on my blog that my mental health has been something I’ve struggled with for awhile. Shockingly, during the pandemic my mental health struggle has significantly improved. Weird , right? However, I know that isn’t the case for most people right now right now. I still have bad days, but on the bad days I know I’ll make it through…..and how. Which , is what we’re going to dive into today. What i’ve been doing to help my mental health during this pandemic. I would like to add that while these things have helped me, we are all different and different things help different people. It’s pretty evident on my blog that my mental health has been something I’ve struggled with for awhile. Shockingly, during the pandemic my mental health struggle has significantly improved. Weird, right? However, I know that isn’t the case for most people right now right now. I still have bad days, but on the bad days I know I’ll make it through…..and how. Which , is what we’re going to dive into today. What i’ve been doing to help my mental health during this pandemic. I would like to add that while these things have helped me, we are all different and different things help different people. 

10 Things For My Brain: Pandemic Edition

1.Yoga

It would not be fair to yoga for this to not be at the top of my list. I’ve been fortunate enough to spend this entire pandemic in yoga teacher training, partly virtual. Which has helped my mind tremendously. Yoga changes lives.

2. Catching some Zzzz’s

I don’t mean sleeping until the pandemic is over and avoiding all of life’s problems. I do mean getting as steady of a sleep schedule as possible. For me, waking up and crashing the same time every morning and night helps regulate my moods to some degree. Also, sleeping too little or too much just makes me cranky af.

3. HyGIeNE – yes, seriously

Yes, the basics. But also, putting on “real” clothes, fixing my hair, doing my makeup, (feeling myself vibes basically)…..even if I’m not going anywhere. It helps. I can’t explain why, but try it.

4. New Obsessions

Ok, maybe that one sounded a bit creepy. What I mean is finding a new hobby or getting back into old ones. I did more cooking this past year than I have my entire life it feels. I got back into painting, reading tarot, even making friendship bracelets. Not only was it good at passing time, it was nice to spend time on things that have an outcome too. It’s just fun to do. Do fun things, that’s my advice.

5. Flipping It

When I say flip it, I mean my mood. When I realize I am sinking into whatever garbage my brain has decided we will be having, I think of flipping whatever it is into something else. That means when grumpy = eats snack and take nap. Sometimes I actually do flip my body, yoga yay.

6. H20

I could talk all day about how much better I feel when I stay hydrated. My skin looks better, I feel better. I have more energy and also my brain just works better. Chug.

7. NO NEWS

Oddly enough, I still know everything that’s going on in the world without watching CNN and reading news articles all day. Seriously, take a break. I promise the anxiety will be better without constant news updates.

8. Marie Kondo Your Life

Ok, maybe not that intense. But, keeping my space cute, clean, and only full of stuff I use and love……game changer. It still gets messy, it just gets cleaned back up faster.

9. Laugh

Do I need explain myself on this one? I seriously will watch any type of content that could possibly make me laugh. I do still and often laugh at the absurdity of the world, myself, and little things. It’s a good one.

10. Living In The Moment

As cheesy as it sounds, being present has been one of the best thing I could do. I don’t mean constantly thinking about the world being on fire. Just being mindful of what I’m doing; if it’s walking my dog or talking to my roommate or a friend…..just being present and really being there. It’s hard sometimes, but man, it really helps ease the mood.

I didn’t add it to the list, but I will say I have spent a pretty penny at the dispensary this year. Responsibly spent penny, that is.

This year has been hard collectively, for everyone. Take care of yourself. Drink Some Water. Get Some Sleep. Smoke one. Or not.

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The Art of an Impulsive Trip

Greetings humans of the internet.

It’s been a quick minute since I’ve written a blog post, being that the world is chaos, writing a blog post feels a little goopy sometimes. (Are those even words that make sense together?) I’ve traveled some during this whole pandemic, but mostly stayed put. I thought a post about what it was like during my last traveling adventure would be an interesting topic. I would like to add, I did follow safety precautions and wore a mask while traveling.

After a stressful event(s), coupled with being cooped up in one location for way longer than I am used to, I thought it would be my signature move to hop off on a weekend road trip to an intuitively picked location. (also could be argued that it was a triggered manic episode and an impulsive decision, but that’s a different blog post). My randomly picked destination was Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I really just convinced myself I needed to visit with the ocean.

MOUNTAINS

I drove 13.5 hours overnight to Myrtle Beach with my dog, which sounds insane, and probably was, but a semi healthy coping mechanism for me. I love driving, it’s almost meditative to me…and gets me out of my head.

The sun started to rise when I was entering West Virginia. And guys, seeing the mountains and feeling the foggy fresh humid morning air was something that brought a little life back into my soul. It’s like being in one place for so long, I forgot what experience different regions of the world are like. Not to mention, hearing a real-life southern accent for the first time in almost a year, was almost comforting. I was raised in Alabama, so even though I have some strong resentment for the south, I have a love for it too.

I arrived in the early afternoon, found some lunch and looked for a place to stay, because I was EXHAUSTED (self-induced exhaustion that is) . Not shocking, hotels were extremely cheap, I think it may have to do with a global pandemic haha. I crashed for a few hours and woke up just in time to do a virtual yoga class online, because even if I am having a mental breakdown and being impulsive, I still try to show up to my mat.

Wild Pup captivated by native beach goers

After, I thought it would be nice to take my lovely pup and I for a late night stroll on the beach. It was so incredibly relaxing. The star lit night sky, the moon, the ocean. Ahhh, It was what my soul needed. Delilah, the pup I refer too, also enjoyed herself. Chasing the waves and forcing us to make friends with strangers. Which I might add, is my favorite part of my travels. My guilty pleasure was capping off the night by waiting in a drive-thru line for 35 minutes to enjoy Zaxbys, my favorite fast food restaurant that I hadn’t had in so long because it’s only available in the more Southern regions of the country.

The next day, I did some much needed beach lounging. I got there super early, just to see the sunrise, but the cloudy morning said otherwise. I spent some time jumping into the Atlantic Ocean, walking the shoreline, and just enjoying my surroundings and being in a different place. It was the most normal I had felt in so long, because no one was in a mask and the beach is a place that I feel is normal to naturally socially be distant at regardless of it being a safety precaution. It was incredible.

By lunch time, I was feeling like I was running away from my problems and decided not to stay another night. So, I showered and packed up and headed back. I impulsively made a stop on my way back at a local peach stand, where I met the sweetest lady. It reminded me of how we’re all connected in some way or another, even strangers. I set off with way too many peaches for a friend and took my journey back.

I tried not to rush back, and enjoy the drive, knowing I had time. However, I was determined to drive all night and the next day, sleep deprived me, had a mini melt down, but it’s fine. It was worth it.

I know this isn’t everyones idea of traveling and may sound insane. But it’s how I travel. Some of it influenced by how my brain works, some of it I like to call me being a free-spirit. It’s what my soul needed and I am so grateful that I get to be this bold. I needed to see the ocean, I needed to get away for a few days. I needed to exhaust myself to the point of letting a manic episode work itself out. I share my trip details because I think the idea of traveling is easily glamorized. I’ve had my people tell me how lucky I am to just be able to go. But it’s exhausting and lonely and weird, but much needed for some of us.

5 ways yoga has improved my travel

I know, I know you’ve probably heard it before, “yoga is sooo good for you”. But why is that really? And what really happens that makes it so good for you? Well friends, there are a plethora of answers to those questions and the reasons vary by person. Go, figure. But for those interested…I’m going to share with you the improvements I’ve seen in my travel since taking my yoga mat with me while on the road.

One of the biggest reasons people don’t experience the benefits of practicing yoga is because they give up before they get what they want. A huge part of yoga is consistency, the more consistent the practice, the more contentment you’re probably going to find. Why am I telling you this? Because I know there are some travelers or travel yogis out there who don’t practice while traveling. It becomes a challenge or you’re on vacation and just don’t want to do the “work”. I don’t blame you, I’ve been one of those yogis too.

However, I’ve recently began practing yoga consitently while also traveling and you guys, it’s a game changer. It really has improved the way I feel while traveling and I have to share the details with you. That’s my thing anyway, oversharing to strangers on the internet in hopes it helps them. A girls gotta do what she thinks she’s gotta do.

Here are the top 5 ways that practinging yoga while traveling has improved my travel experiences;

1. Better sleep

I don’t care how much you love to travel, sleep can be a real problem when you’re in a new place. Wanna know why? The human brain is programed to not be fully asleep in new places. For me personally, sleeping and traveling is a struggle. And lack of sleep can make me a little cranky and not enjoy things as much. However, I noticed that when I was in NOLA (a town I’ve never been to), I was getting full nights sleep. That’s huge for me and made for a more fun experience.

2. My body likes me better

What does that mean? No more restless leg syndrome! I can’t be the only one who struggles with this while traveling. Being cooped up in a car or plane for hours makes my legs (and other parts of my body) angry. However, the dedicated time I took after driving to do some poses (along with the rest stop yoga I’ve been trying to implement) really did wonders. And if I’m being honest, not having to deal with RLS ever again is worth doing yoga every day in my opinion.

3. More adaptive to changes

You’d think I wouldn’t call travel stressful as someone who seeks it out and has done so much of it, but it can be. It’s kind of unavoidable at times, because we don’t really know all the details of things until they happen. Ya know, like the unexpected things that come along with travel. Delay in a flight or drive. Unexpected events. Or the unanticipated energetic drainage from a time change or being in a more populated city. However, I realized last week after my trip got pushed back, I didn’t feel nearly as stressed or panicked about rearranging my plans like I typically do. A win.

4, I’m more present and appreciative

Okay maybe this is just me…but does anyone else struggle with worrying about all the little details of their trip that they realize they aren’t fully taking in the vibes, sights, and people around them? Yoga is all about being present. That practice every day while traveling is the reminder to be present that I need to help me really be captivated by the sights and experiences around me. I felt like I had a new appreciation for being somewhere different.

5. I have more energy to see the sights and do the things

Travel can be exhausting for anyone. I often have to take 2 big naps a day when I travel (at least for the first few days in a new place). Usually because my body is just exhausted from time changes and going. However, when I would meditate and do vinyasa flows first thing in the morning, I noticed my energy lasted longer. I had energy to explore and do the things well into the evening, without napping! Giving me the energy I always want to be able to do all the things with limited time.

Everyone is different and experiences things differently. What helps me might not help you in the same way. It’s worth entertaining the idea though. Hopefully you guys enjoyed this little insight and maybe even feel inspired to start a practice or take that trip you’ve been wanting to take. Or practice yoga on that trip!

Don’t be afraid to try new things.

What are Chakras and Why you should care about them

You know those days when you’re feeling way off, but can’t seem to find an explantation as to why? Well, it could very much be related to your energy being out of whack. A few weeks back I made a post about the manipura chakra and it’s relationship with our self-esteem, but I now realize not everyone really knows much about chakras. In short, chakras are energy. Everything is energy and everything has the ability to effect our natural energy. Us humans often have a hard time being aware of this because of the modern age we live in. Have no fear, we can always learn. The most effective way I’ve found to learn about and manage my energy is through the chakras. Maybe you’ve heard of them before and already know a bit about them. Or maybe this is your first time really hearing about them and you’re suspiciously thinking “okay Haley, where are you heading with this?”. Both are great places to be. I am going to give you a simple breakdown of the chakra energy system that exist in your body right now and how being more aware of it can benefit you.

What are the chakras?

Our Chakras are a set of energy systems that run up our spine and throughout our body. Chakra translates to wheel. That’s because these different energy spots rotate in different ways, like wheels, to send energy throughout our body. There’s a lot of chakras and a good bit of information on how they work. For today we’re just going to touch on the basics by identifying the 7 primary chakras; where they’re located and what they’re associated with . The 7 main chakras run along our spine, starting at the tailbone and reaching all the way up to the top of our head. Each having its own unique energy functions and building support off of the wheel below it. These 7 primary chakras are broken down as follows and I have each chakra highlighted in the color it’s typically associated with.

1. muladhara chakra

(aka root chakra).

location: base of the spine.

associated with: our sense of safety, security and foundation.

2. Swadhisthana chakra

(aka Sacral Chakra)

location: in the hips and low belly.

associated with: our flexibility, emotions, passions, and pleasures in life.

3. Manipura Chakra

(aka solar plexus chakra)

location: upper belly.

associated with: our willpower, confidence, authenticity, and freedom.

4. Anahata Chakra

(aka heart chakra)

location: center of chest.

associated with: our compassion, empathy, love, and generosity.

5. Vishuddha Chakra

(aka throat chakra)

location: base of the throat.

associated with: our creativty, communication, and self expression.

6. Ajna Chakra

(third eye chakra)

location: right between the eyebrows.

associated with: our intuition, our gut instincts, and ability to see the truth.

7. Sahasrara chakra

(crown chakra)

Location: the very top of our heads (like a crown).

associated with: our connection, enlightenment, and wisdom to all living the things and the universe.

Why you should care about your chakra system:

So remember how I said the chakras work like little energy wheels throughout your body? Well guess what, if one wheel is out of whack it throws the whole system off. Teamwork at its finest. Additionally, when any of the chakras are out of whack or unbalanced they can cause various issues in our mind, body, energy, and spirit. Which this can effect all areas of our life and even aid in physical problems.

Realistic example: say your Manipura (third) chakra is out of whack and let’s just say it’s overactive (the energetic wheel is spinning too fast). You probably have too much power/fire. You may find yourself being more aggressive or anxious than usual (& maybe not even knowing why). You may have more rude thoughts than normal or even become a little bit of a bully. Too much power, yeah? There’s also the possibility of it going in the opposite direction and being under-active. Here you might see the opposite problem. You struggle to find motivation and confidence to carry out the day. Not enough power.

Okay, so now you know what can happen when they get out of whack, but why do they do that in the first place?

I’m so glad you asked.

Well friends, the reason as to why a chakra (or chakras) gets out of whack is unique to each individual person. It can be from trauma, stresses, triggers, picking up on others energy, anything really, others issues, genetics, or just regular life. For some of us our system gets out of whack based on the energy we come in contact with because we haven’t quite figured out ways to protect and balance our own energy.

If you’re not aware of your energy it’s hard to know what you can energetically give, what your boundaries are, what is taking your energy, or what even gives you energy. Becoming aware of our 7 primary chakras can help us grow that awareness of our energy and help us learn how to balance our energy so we can live more peaceful life.

Great, now you know your chakras are all out of whack, but how do you balance them?

No worries, friends. While your chakra system will probably always need some maintenance, just like everything else in this human life, there are ways to heal and temporarily align them when you notice things are off. To begin, there’s a ton of free information out there about how to balance each one specifically. So, I am going to give you a broad overview of things you can do to get your wheels turning in a better direction. This includes:

  • affirmations
  • meditations
  • being in nature
  • eating natural foods
  • essential oils & smells
  • color therapy
  • yoga (I can help you on that avenue)
  • journaling

Now I’m not saying balancing your chakras or energy is going to solve all of your issues (or even be a quick fix to your energy feeling whacky), but I do believe it can help improve and guide us to being more balanced in all areas of life….And help us just energetically feel better. Regardless of physical or mental limitations we may have, energy is universal and is something we can work on in some way.

For me personally the best way to maintain awareness and balance of my chakras is through yoga and meditation, focusing on different poses and breaths associated with each chakra. So often when I do a heart opening pose it tells me exactly where my energy in my heart chakra is at for the day. If it’s not willing to open, I know I need to sit with it for extra breaths. Breathing at my stopping point in the pose can energetically help give that space what it needs. It’s all just kind of a cool experience to have, learn, share, and discuss.

As I noted earlier, I can possibly help with the balancing act and learning chakras through yoga. I offer a virtual chakra reset class on Mondays that I absolutely love teaching. It’s a gentle flow flow class that combines poses and breath work that are specifically helpful for each chakra. The most fun part about it is that it’s new every Monday, taking into account the universal energy for when you do it.

Energy is rad.

If you’d like to join, I’d love to have you. It’s pre-recorded on the day of (because I know so many struggle to meet all at the same time) and sent right to your inbox. You can find information by clicking here

Taking care of your energy is taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself is taking care of the world. I hope you enjoyed this read and found something positive/helpful to take away. I know I enjoyed writing this post, a lot.

24 hours alone in NOLA – what to do and see

Howdy howdy friends of the web,

I hope life is treating you well.

I recently took a trip down to New Orleans, Louisiana and although my first few days were spent with friends, my last 24 hours in the land of the voodoo queen were solo. I feel lucky that I got to first visit while having people with me. However, I know the area can be a little intimidating for some, especially solo or solo female travelers, which is why I am giving you the run down of everything I did while hanging out in the big easy alone for 24 hours.

To begin, I’d highly recommend getting a place to stay that is close to the sights you want to see if you’re planning on an overnight trip (mine was within safe walking distance to the French Quarter). Now that that’s out of the way, here are my top 5 to-do’s for a solo day trip to NOLA.

1. Hop on Hop Off Bus Tour

As much as local probably don’t love the two story bus driving down their streets, I still find these tours so fun. I do these type of tours in every big city that I’m visiting for the first time….because they’re worth it. It cost $39 for a 24 hour ticket and the bus goes to all the major “spots” in the city and it even includes live commentary. Which sounds cheesy, but it’s a great way to learn about the city when you’re in a new place. It also can save money on transportation when you want to see different sights that are far apart…or save your legs lots of walking. There are 19 stops and a new bus comes about every 25 minutes. You can ride the entire tour or get on and off as you please… or both. I love it because it feels like a safe way to explore the city and if my phone dies, at least I know there’s a bus coming soon haha. I bought my ticket through groupon, but a google search will show plenty of options to purchase a ticket or you can visit the main office which is located right next to the next up on our list.

the link I used for my ticket is here, you can click anywhere that is yellow to access.

2. Cafe Du Monde

If you’re sucker for coffee like me, you have to check out Cafe Du Monde. A renowned traditional coffee shop located in the French Market. Known for it’s Cafe Au Lait and Beignets. It’s also just cool to visit one of the longest standing coffee shops in the country, or maybe that’s just me. If you do visit, don’t let the line scare you. It moves super fast because the coffee shop only sales two things, coffee and beignets. Worth the wait if you ask me.

you can check out their full website by clicking here

3. French Market

French Market Finds

While you’re picking up your beignets and coffee, you have walk on over to the French Market. It’s basically set up like a farmers market. And I am a sucker for farmers markets and the energy they bring. There are so many local stands with goodies to check out. I came back with new rings, organic essential oils, vegan soap, and a few new plants. I also had a few tasty treats while walking around. 10/10 recommend. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll end up there on a day when they have an event.

Check out their website for events and more details by clicking here

4. The Garden District

this cool Mural can be found in the garden district

This is one of the places that I honestly would not have even know existed until I got on the hop on hop off bus tour. It’s a neighborhood located on the uptown side of the city. It’s home to some really cool restaurants and pretty shops. I got lunch here and felt comfortable walking around and exploring the area on my own. I came across some really cool art, houses, and plants. I even took a break from the southern heat at a local Starbucks and was grateful I was able to charge my phone (is it just me who always has a dead cell when traveling?) . The vibes in the neighborhood are worth the visit.

If you want to know more about the garden district, check out this post from the lonely planet with all the good details.

5. The French Quarter

I didn’t put this first on the list, because I felt like it was a given. However, there is so much in this little area to do and see; the shops, the psychics, the food. It’s really nice to just walk around the area and see what you come across. I explored during the day and came across some cool crystal shops and artwork. You have to check it out at least once during your visit.

You can get details on events and more happening in the french quarter via their website (which can be found by clicking here)

A few disclaimers that I would like to add:

I didn’t add Bourbon street on the list of must sees, because I went with friends and don’t know that I would recommend solo travelers (esp. solo female travelers) going there alone. I would use your own intuition on deciding that. There are lot of drunk people in a really small area which isn’t really my idea of fun. However, if that sounds like your cup of tea, by all means check it out. I would recommend having friends with you if you do.

Second disclaimer, make dinner reservations if you plan on going to dinner. Almost all restaurants were booked with reservations and if they weren’t it was over an hour wait. Or you can be like me and be content eating lunch out and eating something simple for dinner.

Wrapping it up….

My 24 hours alone in New Orleans were fun and I enjoyed it. The city has a vibe that I truly cannot compare to anywhere else in the world that I have been. I never felt scared, but did feel like I had to be very vigilant of my surroundings when I was in certain areas. If you visit alone remember to be safe and trust your instincts…but mostly importantly enjoy yourself!

I hope you enjoyed this post. If you visit soon I want to hear all about it!

And if you have anything else cool to add about what to see see or do in the city, let us know in the comments!

5 Tips for taking care of your brain

Hey hey friends of the web,

I’m back with some more words about the brain. In honor of May being mental health awareness month, I thought some tips on how to take care of your mental health would be helpful.

1. Limit Social Media

I’m not going to tell you I think social media is bad. I don’t. I think it has a lot of benefits that involve bringing people together and helping create important connections. However, screen time burnout is real. Too much of anything is never good for us humans. Plus, scrolling on the internet all day really takes you out of the present moment.

Take a break. A day, a few hours. I usually take longer breaks when I realize that I am aimlessly scrolling and not really taking in any of the things I see.

2. Read.

I know you know reading is good for your brain. It helps you focus and helps your mind stay sharp. It’s also always good to take in new information. You don’t have to read a book, it can be blog posts, academic articles, news articles, etc…..just something to get those wheels in your brain moving in a new direction.

3. Replace Draining Thoughts.

You know those thought patterns you have that just drain the life out of you? Like the thoughts of “I’m not good enough” or “everything is going wrong” or whatever it is for you. Try replacing the thought with something new. Flip it. Every time you think “I’m not good enough”, force yourself to think of at least one or two things that you are really good at. Even if they’re small. It helps change up the draining thoughts and leaves you with thoughts that don’t feel as draining.

4. Mix it Up.

So often I get in a cruddy mood when I realize I am doing the same things and going to the same places everyday. Mix it up. I don’t mean mix it up and go on a vacation, unless that’s what you want, but add little changes in your schedule. Add something new to your morning routine or do it out of order. Try a new restaurant or go to a new park. If you work from home, maybe try working at a coffee shop. A change in routine, forces a change of perspective and gets our brains forming new thought patterns.

5. Take Time for Yourself.

Cheesy, but true. Take time to be alone with yourself. Take an extra long shower. Go out to dinner by yourself. Chill out in your home alone. My personal favorite is just sitting in my car vibing to music. Just enjoy your own company, take time to revisit with yourself and figure out your values. Really learn yourself and what you like and don’t like. So often we get caught up in not wanting to be alone and being what others want, we forget that who we are and what we need/want is one of the most important things in our lives.

Takeaways

Your mental health is real and it effects everything you do. These tips are just a few ways to practice taking care of your brain, however you have to practice it for it to work. There are lots of other ways to take care of your mental health as well. Such as movement, yoga, and meditation. I encourage you to try all the things so you can figure out what things work best for you. If you’re interested in trying out yoga or meditation in a way to take care of your health, I have some offerings listed, just check out my homepage under yoga offerings.

I hope you found this article helpful. Let me know in the comments things you do to take care of your mental health and follow me on insta for daily yoga and brain things.

Have a fantastic week, friends.

Self-Esteem and The manipura

Howdy friends of the web,

today we’re going to dive into self-esteem and our energy. Yep, you read that right. After posting a lovely little poll on my instagram, majority wins on the topic for self-esteem and the manipura or the sola plexus chakra.

If you’re not familiar with the chakras, have no fear I will give you a brief synopsis. Chakras are a set of energy systems that run up our spine, starting at the base of the spine and reaching all the way to the tip top of our heads. This energy system is made up of 7 different chakras, each located in a different space along the spine and each having its own unique energy functions. They work together and build off of one another. So, if you have issues with one chakra, it might effect all, especially if it’s a lower chakra because that’s a part of our foundation. Stable foundations are how things grow. Additionally, when any of the chakras are out of whack or unbalanced they can cause various issues in our mind, body, and spirit. Make sense? I hope so. There is so so much information about the chakras if you’re interested in learning more. This is simply a basic run through for those who may have never heard of them.

What is the Manipura?

For today we’re going to focus on the Manipura Chakra (the Solar Plexus), located between the breastbone and navel. It is associated with the color yellow. This chakra is all about our willpower, confidence, motivation and energy in life. Our tapas. It’s associated with the fire element, because it is that fire in us that gives us the energy and confidence we need in our day to day life. Additionally, it helps regulate our digestive system and more.

Now that we know what it is, let’s get some ideas on what an underactive, balanced, and overactive manipura may look like.

Underactive – low self-esteem and/or confidence, feeling guilty, lack of energy, shameful, worthlessness, etc.

Balanced – confident, balance of energy, strong will and motivation, active, strong sense of self-worth.

Overactive – control issues, grouchy, misuse of power (or being a bully), irritable, angry or aggressive.

*also please be aware that we’re all different and may experience energy differently and that there are other ways that an imbalance can present itself.

So by now I’m sure you’re like, “okay Haley, what does this have to do with my self-esteem”, or you’ve already started to connect the dots. Self-esteem is the confidence we have in our own abilities, which is what the manipura is all about (our own fire). If we have low self-esteem or a blockage somewhere, it can be hard to get the things we need and want out of life. Additionally, we’re likely prone to seeking validation from others. That can be seeking validation that we’re doing something right or that we’re worth something, etc. It could even look like stoping something we love because no one else seems to be interested in it. However, when we seek validation from others, it doesn’t really help us learn how to build our own confidence and causes that space to shut down.

Think of it like you’re the keeper of your own flame. When you seek validation it’s like you’re borrowing someone else’s flame (or power) and ignoring your own flame, which causes it to grow even weaker. Sure you may feel empowered shortly because you felt the energy that you needed, but it was a temporary fix and isn’t sustainable.

For some (or rather for lots of humans at some point) there is the opposite problem. The flame isn’t a light, but a wildfire that can cause destruction. It stems from the same root ( I think anyway). When we make our flame so bright, big, and sometimes scary, it’s usually because we feel wronged or like we’re not getting the credit we deserve. We may be angry because we think we deserve better and want those around us to agree with us so we can feel…..validated. We’re still seeking (sometimes forcing) validation from those around us in some way to make us feel better. No one is going to give you validation for your flame when you’re burning them. Rather figure out ways to control it on your own and validate yourself. Sometimes that means walking away from people and things.

In yoga teacher training my teacher would always say something like “the person who thinks they’re the worst and the person who is screaming that they’re the best are the same”….because it stems from the same place. That’s so true in more ways than one.

What I’m really trying to tell you is that working on your self-esteem can help balance the manipura. I know, I know, but how do you work on your self-esteem? I got some tips!

1. Be your own best friend.

I’ve found that treating myself like my own best friend has been the most helpful thing. It has also helped me realize what kind of friendships and interactions I enjoy having in my life. It has helped me grow and feel more confident. And taught me how to be a better friend to my friends. Sometimes I’ll just observe what my thoughts about myself are. If they’re not thoughts I would think about my best friends, they’re not thoughts I should think about myself. Makes sense, yeah? Be kind to yourself and actually be the good that you need.

2. Do things alone.

Take yourself out to eat. Go on a solo day-trip. Travel the world alone. I cannot express enough how doing things alone can really help you learn to trust yourself. It forces you to solely depend on yourself and foster your independence. You’re forced to spend time with yourself and get to know yourself too. Which is a good thing.

3. Stop second guessing yourself.

I think we all have done this before. We think, “what a brilliant idea”, and then we come back and say “but is it, maybe I should ask someone else first”. Stop over-thinking every choice you need to make. Stop worrying what others will think. Trust your gut and intuition that you know what is best for you. Even if it does end up “being the wrong choice” maybe that was an important life lesson you needed to learn that was unavoidable. Trust yourself.

4. Get out of your comfort zone.

Getting out of your comfort zone and feeling something new is one of the most empowering things you can ever do. It makes you truly see how being uncomfortable isn’t a bad thing and that you’re still okay. You eventually learn how to find comfort in the uncomfortable. If there’s something you really want to do or try, but are nervous, do it anyway. Maybe that means going to a weird restaurant you want to try, skydiving, or just something small, do it anyway. (as long as it’s safe).

5. Stop comparing.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop wanting what others have. Comparing your own “flame” to others is silly and weakens your confidence. We’re all different, with our own unique life experiences. Of course our flames are going to look a little different. We’re all on our own path, your life isn’t meant to look like someone else’s. Ever.

6. Do other things to help balance your manipura.

  • wear the color yellow
  • get out in sunshine
  • eat citric fruits – lemons, grapefruit, etc
  • get moving or sit still (do the opposite of which ever one is your biggest issues)
  • crystals – Citrine, Tigers Eye, Amber, bumble bee jasper.
  • smells – sandal wood, saffron, ceaderwood.
  • mantras – ” I am enough”. “I am capable”. “I am kind.” “I can.”
  • Bhastrika breath or breath of fire.

There is so much more about the manipura and self-esteem, someone could seriously write a book about both topics. There is even more information on the chakra’s. If you’re interested in learning more, I encourage you to do your own research. Google can offer an overwhelming amount of (sometimes cliché) information. Below I have a link to a really great book on the chakras if you’re interested.

Book – https://www.amazon.com/Wheels-Life-Chakra-System-Llewellyns/dp/0875423205

I hope you guys enjoyed this post. Thanks for reading and I hope you all have a fantastic week ahead of you.

Mental Health and Consistency

I think of consistency as a way to help stay grounded and connected to everything around me.

Hello friends of the interweb,

It’s your girl here, back with some insights on the human brain. I haven’t been feeling very creative with my blogging content lately. Big changes are happening in my personal life and it’s got my creative juices a bit blocked. However, I know how good consistency is at keeping those creative juices flowing. So, I’m going to share some ways different ways in which consistency has helped me with my mental health.

I know, I know, I used to be (sometimes I still am) the first to roll my eyes whenever someone suggest me put more routines in place. Mostly because I don’t want to ever feel like my brain is a robot that runs on autopilot. Fear of becoming dogmatic and bored…..boring. However, in my most recent months I’ve noticed how doing specific things on a consistent basis has helped my mental health significantly, especially doing those things when everything else in my world feels like it is changing.

It’s not so much as doing things in a rigid order that helps. It’s consistently doing the small things in my life that help. It’s the practicing yoga multiple days a week, sitting in meditation everyday, or even going to get my daily iced coffee. It’s a little assurance that even though the world is on fire, I still have these things I do that give me a little comfort and help organize the chaos.

I notice when I skip the little things multiple days in a row I start to feel a little icky, like my brain has extra chaos going on. More mind spinning, if you will. If you’ve ever read the book (or perhaps heard about it) “Make Your Bed. Little Things That Can Change your Life…and Maybe The World” by William H. McRaven, that’s kind of the whole theme of the book. Being consistent in small things, helps handle the curve balls of life a little better. That’s something I try to incorporate in my daily life, no matter where I am. Making my bed. Every single morning. And if I am having a day where it just doesn’t happen, I try to lose my judgment about not getting it done, and make it before going back to bed. Because maybe those little hiccups keep my brain from becoming a “robot”.

I’m sure by now you’re probably thinking “okay, yeah but I do a lot of little things everyday and I still feel like I am in utter chaos”. I feel this too sometimes, but here’s how it’s actually helping you. Silly example with brushing teeth – most of us brush our teeth regularly, even if it’s completely on autopilot. It is something that you know is good for you, probably makes you feel better, and gives a little comfort knowing your breath won’t be awful in that face-mask you have to wear later haha. Even if you’re not thinking about those reasons while you’re doing it, it’s helping you. For me (and lot of others, I’m sure) brushing our teeth at consistent times of the day helps kind of keep my brain from going into utter chaos. I am not thinking “wait did I do this” or “I should do this then this”. It also helps me get through depression, letting those things I do consistently just be the goal for the day when everything else feels like too much. I do it when I first wake up and first go to bed along with a series of other things. Silly example that most of us probably do, but easy to follow with how it helps.

With time I think you experiment with different and creative little things. For instance, I have weeks at a time where I do little things in the morning to make it more enjoyable (listening to music, lighting a candle, opening the blinds, etc). I know it may sound like simple little things to some people, but sometimes humans forget how all those little things do make a difference.

The big things that I’ve been doing on the regular are staying hydrated, practicing yoga, journaling….those three things sound so simple, but really make an impact on my brain. Kind of like how different plants consistently need different amounts of light, water, or soil changes to grow…different people need consistency with different things, at different levels to grow.

It’s the same concept with Mantras, repeating something over and over to help change the little parts of your brain that make you believe the opposite of the mantra. It changes your thinking pattern to hep you get where you want to go. It’s all about perspective.

I’m curious if anyone else has anything they do consistently that may seem different from the norm, but really helps? Or if anyone else has ever noticed impacts from doing things consistently in your life?

Let me know in the comments or reach out on insta @therecklessnomad

What Is BPD?

Greetings my interweb friends,

I hope you’re all having an exciting week. I’ve spent a lot of time on this blog talking about living with BPD and other mental health diagnosis, but I don’t believe I’ve spent a post breaking down what BPD actually is. Not recently anyway. Since May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness and Mental Health Awareness month, what better time than now to explain it.

I’d like to began by saying I am not a doctor. Everything comes from my own experiences and research, if you think you relate to BPD I encourage you do some more independent research and then go from there. I am only sharing to help educate and giver perspective from someone who struggles with it.

A simple google search of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can lead you down a rabbit whole of misinformation and confusion. Another term being used in replace of BPD is emotional dysregulation disorder, which I think gives a better picture of what is actually going on and helps replace the confusion a bit. However, for the purpose of this blog I’ll be referring to it as BPD. BPD effects approx. 1.6% of the U.S population, that’s a lot fo humans, my dudes. Essentially it is a mental health disorder which makes it hard for one to regulate their emotions. It is made up of 9 different characteristics or traits. To meet diagnostic criteria one must have 5 of these 9 traits that cause significant issues in day to day life.

These 9 characteristics or traits are made up of the following (personal examples included):

  1. Fear of abandonment. Often making frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. For me that can look like sabotaging, ghosting, or physically running away from situations or people.
  2. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. For me that’s existential crisis.
  3. Reoccurring suicidal behavior or gestures or self-harm. I don’t fear death when things get real bad in my life and it’s a problem.
  4. No clear self-image. Markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. Changing my hair, aesthetic or being critical of who I am or who I’ve been. I feel as if I have mostly gotten past this one.
  5. Black and white thinking or splitting. Often looks like a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. Me being indecisive about views/people/decisions/or situations because my emotions on it change so fast. Often results in consulting all of my friends to make a decision. (Not healthy. Not not healthy either).
  6. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). For me that’s traveling impulsively, spending without thinking, or drinking a little too much.
  7. Anger issues. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). If I get anger (which is seldom) it show up with my words. I’m quick to say mean things I don’t mean, but know hurt. Sometimes I don’t even remember saying the mean things. And they’re usually to the people I care about the most.
  8. Dissociation. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. This is like zoning out for me. It feels kind of like brain fog. I just stare at a wall for an hour and have no idea what’s going on.
  9. Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety – It’s normal to feel everything in a day, no?

While there are many out there who have specific characteristics or carry some of these traits, they don’t have “BPD”. At the same time different combinations of traits make for different symptoms and issues. What I am trying to say is that BPD looks different on everyone who has a diagnosis. It also is often coupled with other issues like anxiety, depression, PTSD, bipolar, etc.

As someone who has BPD I am going to explain it to you in a much simpler way. It’s mostly being hyper sensitive and not knowing how to control your emotions. The best way I’ve heard it described is like having 3rd degree burns on your emotional skin (or for you yogis I think of it as my Manomaya Kosha). So when you’re feeling your feelings they can be very overwhelming, often looking dramatic from the outside, but they’re real. And you don’t know how to cope. It’s like getting the best or worst news of your life in a single day when nothing that big even happened. You feel it all in the pit of your stomach or the center of your chest and don’t know how to respond, because you know how irrational it sounds to those around you. However irrational it may sound, the feelings are real and still there.

For a lot of us BPD comes in episodes. At least, thats the case for me. Something very stressful happens or something triggers stressful feelings from the past, and my emotions get so intense that I don’t really know what to do. They can last a few hours or a few days/weeks just depending on the circumstances. People often think I’m dramatic because it seems so small from the outside, or like I am over sharing because I am being honest about big emotions. But, they’re not that big for me. Those feelings are so real and valid. For some (or maybe just me) those feelings are sometimes linked to past traumas and healing that becomes a huge piece in controlling the strong reactions.

I am also a human who has Bipolar, so mood shifts can sometimes lead me into BPD episodes. Mania triggers the impulsive side of bpd and the two of those together…. I’ll do wild things – like deciding to go to Thailand and leaving in a 3 day period (worth it). But then crashing with the depressive episode and wanting to die once getting there.

Stigma and Treatment

There’s this accepted idea that people with BPD are incurable and hard to handle and work with. In my opinion that isn’t really the case. Sure, when I have been in an episode or at my worst I have been challenging. But healthcare professionals never labeled me with BPD as soon as I came in, like they claim they can. It took multiple in-patient trips for it to even get addressed. When it did get addressed, my first psychiatrist didn’t want to put the diagnosis in my chart because of the stigma it has with some healthcare professionals. However, we walked through the 9 traits and I did in-fact struggle significantly with 5+ of them. Everything just kind of made sense, but the labels and horror stories on the internet were not helpful. It is very misleading and disappointing. Quite frankly it shames us and dims hope.

Sure, people do bad things and have BPD. People also do bad things and don’t have that label. And people with the same label also do really really good things. Just because someone feels big emotions doesn’t mean they’re incurable or difficult to work with. Our brains are just different and in the right circumstance, when people meet us half way and work together, extraordinary things happen.

Since BPD is a personality disorder and not a mood disorder, there is currently no medication out there to treat it. However, some medications can help with the anxiety and depression that come with it. Talk therapy, DBT, and other forms of therapy have proven beneficial. For me, yoga helps the most. Having a supportive community or support group is also super helpful.

It’s really just a lifelong journey of learning what your emotions are trying to tell you and how to manage them in a world that doesn’t really like you being emotional. I think there’s a lot of power in those of us who feel everything all to much. And like anyone who has power, you have to learn how to control it and do good with it.

……………………

I hope you found this post helpful in some way. If you or someone you know has BPD what are your thoughts?

I hope you find this post helpful or educational. If you or someone you love has BPD what are your thoughts about the diagnosis and it’s stigma?

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